I Want You To Know
by lifethatyouhate
Summary: Continuation of the oneshot Nobody Knows It But Me. When Sam makes the decision to find Freddie since he's moved, Carly tags along. Neither know how or where to find Freddie...but both hope that they will.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the characters on it, but I do own Jacob- Freddie's cousin- and I guess the town Broadsworth, which I totally made up. Tell me if it's a real town, okay? xD By the way, if you haven't already, you need to read Nobody Knows It But Me to understand this story- it's a one-shot songfic. Thanks!

Everything in my mind was supposed to be screaming, "Freddie! Freddie, I'm so close! Please, just wait for me!" But what was it screaming instead? "Carly's upset, Carly's upset!"

She sat in the passenger's seat, crying and yet still trying to look angry.

Of course there was no anger, though. She mostly looked completely disappointed in me. I wanted to completely explain things to her, but the last time I had tried to talk to her had fallen flat.

"Carly?" I had said so excitedly, beaming at the open road beginning to stretch in front of us. "Are you okay?"

Her answer was so snapped it worried me. "Of course I'm not okay, Sam. I don't even have any clothes!" she whined, and I winced a bit. It was summer vacation, we were young, she was beautiful with an amazing boyfriend- was it so wrong for me to want happiness? But I knew her well enough to know in her mind she was wondering if it was so wrong for _her_ to live a summer of happiness.

Sheepishly, I gestured in the backseat. "I've got two suitcases back there filled with my clothes and your clothes and your things and my things…"

"Spenc-," "He helped me pack," I admitted, trying to focus on the road. I had to veer sharply to escape spilling into a completely different lane of the highway. It was hard to concentrate with two big problems on my head. And honestly, Carly was my biggest problem- because she was my best friend. She came before Freddie, no matter what. She was the one who had stuck by me, wasn't she?

"What about Jake?" Carly had demanded, and I pulled into a rest stop. I locked the doors immediately, parking in a spot far away from the strange people hanging out there, but close to the street. I wasn't sure how long it would take to convince Carly. I didn't know if I would have to drop her off. I didn't know if I would have to rent a car or something to get there. But I knew I had to find him.

If I didn't find him, it would always be there. The _what if_? What if I had told him, what if I had run after him, what if I had followed his car or something- what if? It was tearing me apart worse than the thought that Freddie might completely hate me.

The thought made me slump against the wheel as Carly watched nervously.

No, it was about a tie between the two.

"Here, Carls, use my phone. I brought yours too- the charger and everything! - but it's in your suitcase," I admitted, and Carly knocked the phone I offered to her onto the floor- gently. It slid onto the carpeted floor with a soft _plunk_!

I stared at her now, watching as her tears gathered more and more before they just completely spilled over. It was more heart breaking then the dreams I _still_ had about him. He was a boy I loved- Carly was my best friend. We were always there for each other. We understood each other perfectly.

Maybe that's why I was so upset about how I was reacting.

She knew how upset I was about Freddie, and she should've known everything about me. She was my best friend, she should've understood everything. She should've understood me the same way I understood her.

But how could she?

It hit me then, how horrible I had become in the friend department. I let Freddie rip me apart. If it was any other boy I cared for, it would've been different. But it was Freddie- my computer geek, my techie nerd, my second best friend. He was her second best friend too. But it didn't affect her as much- she had me. She thought I would be the one to _help_ her_. _Strangely enough, I never thought she could help me. But without Carly, where would I even be now?

"Oh, Carly," I said the only few words I could choke out and wrapped my arms around her. My voice was so mournful; it was thick with terrible, sickening guilt. How could I expect her to be helping me? When was the last time I remembered helping her?

_"Sam, I really miss him," Carly said sadly as she and Sam sat at a booth at Groovy Smoothies. The spot next to Sam was empty- empty from the one boy who always filled it. From the one boy who belonged in the spot. The spot she refused to let anybody sit in, and the spot she was careful never to even scoot close to herself._

_"How great is this smoothie?" Sam changed the subject without even noticing it anymore, lifting her cup up into the air to show Carly the different flavors. It was a strange concoction- a layer of blended strawberries, a layer of blended raspberries, and a layer of blended bananas- but none of these flavors ever mixed together, instead keeping 'individual.'_

_Carly didn't seem to care much about this amazement of Sam's. "Sam, you can't keep pretending you don't miss him. You did…" she trailed off. She never brought up those five lingering words: 'Quit iCarly because of him.' Sam never asked what she was going to say. She knew. _

_"You'll be fine, cupcake. Let's take these smoothies on the road, I need to find Spence and take that puppy out for a spin," Sam gestured towards Carly's car waiting outside, as if she hadn't driven it over there._

_Carly sniffed, mumbling halfheartedly, "Like you don't take that 'puppy' out for a spin on your own all the time anyways."_

_Sam laughed, too wrapped up in her own problems to even notice her best friend's._

I shuddered at the memories I was plunging through, searching for a good time. Searching for a time that I had been truly kind.

Carly shook furiously in my arms, and I managed to choke out a few more words. The few words I wondered if she had been waiting for, like proof that I really did care about her feelings. "Carls, you want me to turn around?" I asked her in the softest voice I could manage. I hated to break into her crying like that

Carly wormed her way out of my grasp with a gasp of the sudden end to sobbing. "If you would stay. If you would stay with me, and with Spencer, and with Jake…" she drifted off, and I shook my head slowly.

"Aw, cupcake," I said the nickname again, but more affectionately, as if I was talking to a child. Carly just managed to smile faintly at me. "You know I wouldn't be able to stick around. Not even for you and Spence. And Jake too, I guess," we both laughed quietly, as if we weren't talking about my delicate future. The difference between old Sam or totally new Sam. Or, more accurately- sticking as current Sam, or managing to become more than just a shell of old Sam.

"I would have to go. I do have to go. I have to talk to him." I said the words quietly. It was still hard to say Freddie out loud. It wasn't as painful sometimes times- but _now_, it seemed almost unbearable- the reason for the only situation that could drive me away from my home.

Carly sniffed quietly, and leaned up against the window, staring at some of the truck drivers for a moment. "And what are you going to do if he's still the jerk he was the day he left?" she asked me with a gentle tone, as if this was no big deal. No matter what I tried to tell Carly, she wouldn't have it. She wanted to think of Freddie as a jerk, and I didn't want to think of him at all.

"I'll be okay," I said, and I meant it. Carly stared at me like I was crazy, her eyes wide. "I just need him to know the words I never said. And I can't just write him a letter. I have to see it. His reaction. I have to be able to _picture_ what would've happened if I had said what I wanted to say that day."

I said that day in a cracked voice as Carly patted my back gently. She had comforted me a lot lately- which was odd. But that moment before, when I comforted her- somehow, _that_ had become odd in the past two years. The two years since…the day. It was hard to even think about it- the day Freddie Benson walked out of my life. Out of _our_ lives.

Carly squeezed my arm gently, leaning back in her seat with a grin. "Well, we're going on a road trip then! Any ideas where to head to first?" she asked curiously, and I smirked and nodded as I started driving again.

"Of course. I know where Freddie's relatives lived," I joked with my used-to-be typical menace, and Carly rolled her eyes.

"Of course you know, Sam," she said as I smirked.

And for just a moment, it was like the old times.

_"Who's that?" Sam asked, thirteen years old at the time. She swung her long hair very pointedly into Freddie's face, and he fumbled with knocking it out of his eyes by trying to be too gentle._

_Back then was the time that Sam would've truly beat Freddie up for that. That was the time when everything was in total denial for her. She _would not_ admit that she cared about him. She would not even let herself think about it. Of course, that was only a couple months before she beat up the boys that were threatening Freddie. _

_When he cleared his eyes, Freddie saw that she was pointing at a picture of his cousin. "That's my cousin, Jacob," he said, clearing his throat when she didn't respond for several more moments. Finally, she forced herself to look away from the picture._

_"Whoa, who knew a guy like _that_ could be from your family?" Sam asked him, jabbing a finger into his chest. He stumbled back a few steps, but there was a shadow of annoyance- disappointment? - On his face as he looked at the picture again._

_"You think he's…" he struggled with the word, making a face. "Hot?" he asked, and Sam snickered at the way he said it._

_"I wouldn't call anyone in your family hot, Freddork, but look at that picture compared to this," she picked up the picture of muscular Jacob surrounded by his basketball team and set it next to the picture of Freddie and his mom at the park- only a few weeks ago. Freddie winced slightly, remembering how he had asked his mother to please keep that picture off of the wall._

_But he could admit it, even to her. "Jake's cool," he shrugged a bit, and Sam did as well. "He lives in California- its great there. He always offers us a place to stay when we drive by, you know? He lives in this town called Broadsworth…" Sam had tuned him out after that. Did she really even care where his cousin lived?_

_Deep down, she knew she cared about everything Freddie told her._

_But a little less deep, she wanted to barf at just the thought of that. But, as Sam of all people would come to learn, things change._

Carly watched curiously as I headed into the lane that was heading towards California. "When do you think we'll get there?" she asked me curiously, and I beamed at her.

"We're staying just before Oregon tonight, and then we'll be able to reach our 'destination' tomorrow. It's just past the Oregon border…we are headed to _Broadsworth_," I said this so easily, so sure of myself. I wish I had listened more to Freddie back then. I would have to think more about the conversation- I must've picked up more than just that Jacob lived in Broadsworth, California.

But even if I couldn't think of more, I would find him. I would start by finding Jacob, and if Freddie and his mom weren't nearby, I would keep up the search. If I had to get Carly back on a flight to Seattle, I would do it. I wouldn't drag her along if this turned into a wild goose chase.

But _I_ would never quit looking.

But that didn't mean that I couldn't have some much needed fun with my friend on the way. I took an exit and headed to a restaurant. "I hear this place has great ham," I smirked at my friend, and she just rolled her eyes and said, "I hope it has good cell phone reception. I've got to tell Jake I'll be gone for a while."

Jake. Wasn't that what Freddie had called Jacob? I grinned to myself, ignoring Carly's obsessive qualities when it came to her boyfriend. It was all coming back to me…slowly.

Author's Note: Okay, you guys persuaded me to start this. :D I can't promise Sam will find Freddie soon, but I can promise you that she will. Sam has will power, doesn't she? :D Whether or not Carly tags along, she decides to hang with Jacob, or something else comes up, Sam wouldn't know, would she? Sorry for the switching of view points, but it works much easier for Sam's memories not to be in first person. If you have any ideas you want to see, tell me and I will consider them. I hope you guys like this start- I'm excited to get into this. D


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the other characters on it. I do own Jacob, however. And the town Broadsworth is not based on any actual town, and if it _does_ share the name of one, that is purely coincidental. And I own the girl Sam meets, too. :D

"Man, Sam, do we really have to stop here?" Carly sighed as she leaned against the window, and I rolled my eyes. She was tired of being cooped up in the car, and didn't want to stop for a ham sandwich- but she perked up every time we passed by an outlet mall.

"Too late cupcake, I already paid," I rolled my eyes again for her to see, and she grinned at me in that, 'Oh yeah, what a lack of judgment,' kind of moment. "Now eat your ham sandwich, and pay attention for the exits to Broadsworth!" I snapped as I pulled her sandwich out and drove away. She obediently shoved the sandwich into her mouth, and I digested it in one of my record breaking times- thirty seconds for the whole sandwich. I was proud.

I hadn't done these kinds of things in a long time. I used to always joke with Carly about how fast I could scarf down a slice of ham, and she would time me. I would always take about five seconds for a small smile, whereas she would take about thirty. Call it a talent, I guess.

I hadn't thought of how much I _missed _this. I never realized how much I missed just hanging out with my best friend. I always kept to myself, not really _hanging out_. We spent time together, and we laughed, and we told each other everything- but we never really did anything.

Occasionally we would stop by Groovy Smoothies or head to the convenience store. We even picked up a few of those pirate movies for laughs at times. But we never did crazy things like just _go_, stop at random crazy stores and get sidetracked by random petting zoos and hat stores. It was a good thing I had brought all of my money, which was a lot. Last year to keep my mind off of things I had had a pretty serious job, but I quit it a few weeks ago.

I had been planning this for a while.

By the time I was finished with my soda, second sandwich, and curly fries, Carly was still just finishing her burger and fries, having only got that and a large soda. She was taking her time, staring obediently at the signs we whirled pass. She had a furry green cowboy hat on, and I was wearing a giant giraffe hat that bent over backwards against the roof of the car.

I felt lucky to be hanging out with my best friend, only miles away from more information about where Freddie was.

"Look, there it is! Take the exit Sam, take the exit!" Carly screamed, panicking even though I was already in the right lane. By the time she commented down, we were driving into Broadsworth.

We both snorted at the same time. "Wow, Jacob was such a great guy, offering Freddie and his mom a place _here_," Carly snickered sarcastically as we stared at the miniscule town. We could basically drive up and down the street once and see what there was to see. Well, we could take a few turns, but I didn't think we really wanted to see all of the houses.

"Well, I guess it'll be easier to find the Bensons, then? If that's even their last name…" I drifted off, and Carly gave me a small wince. She didn't like the thought of wondering through this town aimlessly looking for him. It was hard to come to terms with what I was looking for when things had looked so fun. It was like I had gotten to my job.

But the moment I thought of _him_…of telling him, "Freddie, I love you." The moment he heard that, I would be happy. Even if he pushed me away, I would be sickly ecstatic. Of course, I wanted him to return the feelings…but I couldn't let myself get too ahead. If you don't get your hopes up, you'll never get let down.

I jumped out of the car when I pulled up to a curb, and Carly pouted at me as I ran up the steps towards a random house. If I had any luck at all…these people would at least _know_ Jacob. What was I going to tell them? "I'm looking for Jacob, possible last name Benson?"

It was the first house along one of the streets, and I ran right up to the door and banged my fist against it. I looked over my shoulder- Carly was grinning. I remembered the times when I hadn't thought of myself as crazy for doing something like this. It was just something to do back then- I would've done anything to make Carly or Freddie or Spencer laugh. I would've done anything to make _Gibby_ laugh, or to make Tareen laugh even!

"Hello?" someone asked when they opened the door. It was a girl about my age with short red hair, and she was rubbing her eyes sleepily. It was strangely nice, talking to someone who knew nothing about me. I could be anyone I wanted, while talking to this girl.

But why I would I want to be anyone but myself?

"I'm looking for a kid who played basketball at one point, possibly still does- his name is Jacob, and if his last name _isn't _Benson, he's still related to a boy named Freddie Benson and his psycho mother." I said this all very calmly as I leaned against her door frame. She backed away from me, but was too polite to flat out ask me to get away from her. Or, maybe she was too scared.

She pointed across the street, but her finger crooked to the right. She gave Carly one fleeted weird look when she saw her face pressed against the glass, but continued, mumbling quickly, "Jacob Benson Freemont? The hotshot of the neighborhood, he is." She gave me a crooked smile, and I started laughing.

Ignoring that, she continued. "5544, he lives right there in the green house with the duck in the front yard." I just laughed harder. She kept on ignoring me, probably thinking about what a loudmouth I was. I didn't really mind that.

"Thanks then…uhm, didn't catch your name? Well, of course I didn't catch your name kid, just tell it to me," I snickered at myself, and I turned to see that Carly had the window rolled down and was rolling her eyes at me as I laughed. It had been a long time since I had laughed this hard. I missed making fun of the geek- guess I had to settle for his cousin.

"My name is Samantha," she said with a tiny smile, and my laughter died out. Strange, how some things bring you back down so quickly. My name. My _real_ name.

But I wasn't Samantha, I was Sam.

"Nice doin' business with you, Samantha." I clapped her hard on the back and waltzed as gracefully as I possibly could down the stairs as I jumped at Carly's car. "Come on, kid, I'll race you to the duck," I said, expecting her to tell me how crazy I was.

She jumped out of the car, slammed the door shut and bolted.

I missed running more than I ever thought I could miss something.

No, that was a stupid statement.

There were two things I missed more than running. The first thing- bet you think its Freddie huh? Nope. The first thing I missed was being myself. Running around like a psycho, doing crazy stuff with Carly, making random friends with people like Samantha. The second thing _was_ Freddie.

Of course I beat Carly to the duck, but winning isn't _always_ the best. As soon as I got to the duck I trampled over it, surprised by the loud **snap! **When the head cracked off. Jokingly, I remembered the old iCarly skit we had where Freddie would pop a balloon and we would dive to the floor, and I dove to the floor then. Surprisingly enough, Carly did the exact same thing next to me as we rolled on the grass, the duck head in between us as she choked out, "Oh man, they're already gonna hate me," and I said, "The duck was ugly anyways."

"Oh my god, my mom is gonna kill me," a voice breathed at the door, and we both sat up immediately. I had to catch my breath.

Jacob was as muscular and handsome as he had been in the pictures that Freddie had shown me that day. This was the Sam Puckett luck, I realized, catching up to me. Jacob was here- good looking as ever- and still looking a bit like Freddie at the same time. And I had found him. And maybe, just maybe, I had found _Freddie_ too.

"Jacob!" I screamed and I leaped forward to hug him. He held his hands down at his side nervously as I coughed back any possible crying fits while I released him. By the time I regained myself from the hysterical laughing, Carly was at my side beaming at Jacob.

"Do you know where Freddie is? Freddie, your cousin? C'mon, basketball star, you can talk!" I screamed in one breath, as if Jacob had started to protest or something. He stared at me like I was crazy, and then realization dawned on his face.

"Hey!" he drew the word out into one extremely long syllable. I rolled my eyes at Carly, and she mimicked my exasperation. I could feel it between us- the excitement, the thought that we had found her friend. It was stronger for me of course. This was the excitement to find the guy I loved. I was beginning to accept this.

Slowly.

He stared at me, his finger pointing at me, though he didn't say anything. I wanted to slap him- it was almost painful to hold back the urge. I held my hand tightly in a fist, and Carly elbowed me. Jacob didn't notice any of this; he was studying my face, his eyes so expectant it was shocking.

"Spit it out already, Jake!" I screamed, and Carly seemed surprised by my outburst. It had been a while since I had acted like this. It had been a while since anything had been like this, it seemed. I held my fist back to punch him, but his laughter got to me. I put my hand back at my side, narrowing my eyes.

"Freddie told me- he told me all about you! He said you were violent. I didn't think he was telling the truth when he said that you used to rag on him all the time…" he clutched his chest, looking like he might collapse. Carly smirked at me, and I felt like I might faint. Freddie had told him all about me.

"You're Samantha Puckett!" I raised my fist again. "Sam, Sam, sorry! He told me you hate being called Samantha, too. And you're Carly Shay," he gestured towards Carly, and she smiled politely and nodded.

It was like being with someone who had just remembered their entire lives. I wondered if he had thought Freddie was lying, telling him about his crazy friends Carly and Sam. It made me smile, just a bit, but at the same time I was clutching my chest- and not for the same reason that Jacob was. I felt like I might break apart. I wanted to know if Freddie was here. I wanted to know if there was a reason for this.

"He talked 'bout you a lot, Sam. He even had a couple pictures of the three of you together…"

"He showed me a pic of you too, Jake," I managed to choke out. The way I talked to him was like he was an old friend, but Freddie had brought up meaningless details about Jacob a lot of times in our years together. Things that were flooding back, making me feel like I _did_ know the boy in front of me.

He hesitated suddenly, standing up straight. "But…but why are you here? Why the hell are you two here? Why did you break Mr. Duck?" he demanded, picking up the head suddenly. Obediently, I reached into my back pocket and held out a twenty. He stared at the money for a moment and then smirked.

"Thanks," he said easily, and I wondered if he was going to use the money for the duck. I probably wouldn't have. That thought made me grin a bit.

"Is Freddie here? Was Freddie over here? Sam- I mean, _we_ need to know," Carly blurted out, and I gave her a small grimace. Jacob didn't seem to notice. He hesitated, staring at us for a long time again as he walked over to the duck and kicked its head into the gutter.

I wanted to grab him by the front of his shirt and shake the answer out of him, but I doubted that would make Freddie listen to me if- no, _when_- I found him.

"I think you need to talk to someone." He said after a long pause, and then he held his hand out to me.

I wanted to push it away, and I wanted to tell him that I didn't care what he thought, that I just needed to talk to Freddie so I could leave. So me and Carly could go and hang out. So that I could move on with the rest of my life.

I still had hopes that Freddie would be in love with me, though.

If he was in love with, then rejecting Jacob's offer so rudely might put a damper on the relationship. Of course, the idea that Freddie might love me brought the words 'fat chance' to my mind.

_If you don't get your hopes up, you'll never get let down_, I thought myself, and took his hand again.

Carly grabbed onto my arm to keep with us, but Jacob pulled me fast toward the house. Freddie must've talked about me _a lot_ for Jacob to welcome me here like this. For him to be so nice.

I know it was stupid, but I smiled. I smiled in spite of everything. Every little piece of information about Freddie was exciting to learn. I missed him more than I thought I could miss him. It was a stupid thing, but it was our kind of thing. It was just like me and him to end up like this. You don't know what you got 'til it's gone, right?

Jacob opened the door, and the next few words he said made me suddenly nervous.

"Mrs. Benson? Freddie's friend Sam is here."

Author's Note: So, what will Mrs. Benson say? You don't know? Is Freddie here? You don't know? What's up with Jacob? You don't know? Well, I do. xD Ha, sorry. Just opening everyone's mind to the possibilities, right? :D I'll get the next chapter up soon. Hope you liked this one!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any other characters on it- I do, however, own Jacob!

Carly couldn't even hold me back. Even Jacob, clutching my hand, was dragged along. He didn't seem to mind- he shot me a small smile when I looked back to make sure he was at least standing up. But when I heard about Mrs. Benson, I couldn't hold it in. Who ever thought I'd be running _to_ Freddie's crazy mother?

She was in the kitchen. That's where I went first, of course, and then I let Jacob rest. He kept a tight clutch on my hand. I thought for a moment he might be afraid I would jump someone or something, but when I looked back at him he just had the same soft, kind smile one his face. Except now, his eyes were full of concern. Carly appeared behind him, her eyes upset. She didn't like seeing me so upset, and she probably didn't like that I was trusting Jacob either.

But it was _Jacob_. Jacob!

I had seen his picture, I had even remarked on him being exceptionally good looking for the Benson clan. The only two people I could be happier about seeing was him- and Mrs. Benson.

Suddenly, a new thought struck me? What if _Freddie_ was here? Maybe Jacob had wanted me to go see Mrs. Benson first because her overprotective ways made her very demanding in seeing all of his guests firsthand? That wouldn't be a far off thought compared to the double 'poo contract.

Carly cleared her throat, and I paid total attention to Mrs. Benson.

She stayed very still, her back turned. Her hair was longer than before- it hung halfway down her back, weirdly enough. I couldn't remember a time when her hair had been any longer than to her shoulders.

She was wearing a white pencil skirt and a floral designed t shirt. She wore sneakers as well- a pretty typical outfit for her. I know it's weird, but just staring at her…I wanted to hug her. I _missed _her. Well, more like I missed ragging on her with Freddie.

"Mrs. Benson," I whispered so quietly it sounded almost desperate. I jumped out of Jacob's grasp and rushed right to her, Carly close behind me. Jacob got to Mrs. Benson's other side quickly, staring up at her nervously.

"Samantha Puckett!" she gasped, and I was shocked. She had seemed so fragile for a moment. It was oddly weird to hear her barking voice again. "Do you know that there is _dirt_ just streaked across your face? And I saw you talk to the neighbor girl, though I wasn't sure it was you- you _cannot _just go up to strangers and start conversations-,"

She probably babbled on a lot more, but I just grinned at her. Freddie was lucky to have her. She _cared_. She cared about him.

Freddie.

"Where's Freddie, Mrs. Benson?" I demanded suddenly, interrupting her. My desperate voice seemed to surprise her into silence, and Jacob went rigid next to her. Carly sighed and shook her head at me, looking more disappointed then ever.

"Not here," Mrs. Benson said stiffly, and I felt like I would collapse. Carly reached out for my arm, but Jacob was there faster, one hand pushed hard down on my shoulder. I couldn't remember the last time I even talked to a boy my age besides Gibby, and he didn't really count.

A sniffling noise was loud in this kitchen when Mrs. Benson and I made it at the same time. It was only too fair that I be tortured with a similarity with his mother. _Stupid Freddie_.

"So, where is he?" Carly asked, her and Jacob acting all too calm. It was like they didn't even care- Carly was only disappointed on my behalf- and strangely, I think Jacob was disappointed for the same reason.

"With his father," Mrs. Benson said as if it were the simplest thing in the universe. I felt like if I had a drink in my hand, I might spit it all over her and Jacob right now. If it was a big enough drink, I couldn't demolished the whole room. It was so crazy, thinking about it.

It made sense.

"Oh," Carly breathed deeply, sounding like she had given up. What a strange idea, giving up. I wonder if that's what she thought I was doing these past couple of years.

I wasn't giving up, though. I don't think I ever _could_ give up. I felt like I wasn't even controlling myself at times now. Like there was a whole other Sam who would take the wheel when Freddie's name was mentioned and manage to get up to a hundred miles per hour.

"Well, where's his father?" I said simply. It seemed so easy to the other Sam- to just get in the car right now and go to him. Find him.

Mrs. Benson put a hand on my shoulder, and started to beg me to stay the night there.

When I heard his soft voice mumbling, "Sam! Sam!" at my door, it reminded me all too much of those Wake Up Spencer segments. Freddie and I would creep to Spencer's room together, laughing hysterically. Sometimes, I would fall asleep on Freddie, only to wake up and kick him out and to the apartment across the street. It seemed so long away…like it had been centuries ago rather than a few years.

So when Jacob tapped my door and whisper-screamed for me, I thought it might bring back too many painful memories. But surprisingly, the memories were amazing. Reliving my moments with Freddie- I hadn't done that in so long. I just went over that one day over and over again. This was a happy memory. A good memory.

Jacob opened the door and crept next to my bed, kneeling down. "Sam?" he whispered, and Carly stirred a bit. I mocked him in silence as he was forced to sit there and wait.

When he looked like he was about to speak, I muttered smugly, "I'm awake you know."

His laughter was nice to hear.

The only person I could remember making laugh in a long time was Carly. Hadn't there been a time when I was a bit of a schoolwide comedian? I felt like that had been another lie time ago. A whole different world, you could say.

"I know where Freddie is," he murmured in my ear, and I leaped out of the cot Mrs. Benson had brought for me when I insisted that Carly take the bed for herself (it was hardly big enough for both of us). I almost fell into his arms that he stretched out to protect himself, and I landed on the floor.

Carly stirred again, and I laid on the floor staring up at Jacob's grinning face for a few more moments before her breathing slowed back into the typical even breathing I was used too. It was comical, laying there across him as I focused on the brown eyes that were a lot like Freddie's.

"Well, where?" I hissed when he had helped me up and we walked into his room. He locked the door, tucking blankets in the empty space between the door and the floor. ("She's got dog ears," he had gestured to Mrs. Benson's room). I sat on his bed patiently- or as patiently as I could manage with all of this stuff looming ahead of me. My outburst was after a few moments of him making sure the window was shut and locked before he turned on the light.

"Well…" Jacob drifted off, and I lunged at him, grabbing his shirt collar. "I don't want to hurt you, Jake, but I'm subjected to do so if you don't spit it out already. I've noticed you have a bad habit with that," I cried out in his face, and he smirked back at me. He was rather easy going.

He cleared his throat to speak, but questions kept coming out. Why couldn't I just shut up? "Why couldn't Carly come too, anyways? How long have they been here? Did they come here _right_ after they moved?"

"Carly isn't as interested as you are, I've noticed," Jacob said stiffly, and I tried not to roll my eyes. Of course she wasn't, she wanted to go back and be with her boyfriend and brother. "And they did come here right after they moved. They were planning on moving into a house here, but Freddie wasn't adjusting well."

The way he said it suspected there was a lot more, and I thought I would start crying. _I am Sam Puckett_, I told myself stiffly. _I do not cry. I will not cry. Why _would _I cry? I'm tough. I'm Sam._ But I still sniffed a bit. Jacob either didn't notice, or pretended he didn't as he stared at a string he was pulling at on his blanket.

"Why wasn't he adjusting?" I asked nervously, waiting as patiently as I possibly could.

"He said he left behind too much. He didn't explain things before he left. He said he felt terrible, for being so mean to you before he left. He said he didn't think he liked Carly, either- that he should've let her be with Jake."

Punch in the gut.

Strangely enough, I had forgotten _why_ we had argued that day so many years ago. It seemed so far away- or maybe I was just trying to forget about it. To forget that he liked Carly. He _liked _Carly. He liked _Carly_. _He _liked Carly.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asked, putting another hand on my shoulder. He was getting _too_ touchy feely for my nerves, and I missed picking on people as much as I used too. I shoved his hand onto the bed and managed to choke out, "Fine, _Jake_."

He ginned at me a bit, and then he reached behind his bed. "Another reason I wanted you to come alone…" he said as he rummaged for a moment, and then pulled out a folded white sheet of paper.

"Freddie wrote a note to you that he said he was never _actually_ going to send to you. He threw it in the trash, and I fished it out. Back then I was kind of nosy, I guess. I wanted to know why he was upset…" the rest of his words were a blur. I ripped the paper out of his hands and touched it gingerly.

I was terrified. I thought it might disappear if I held it any longer. I thought this was all too real. I was another step closer. I had a note. Jacob had the information.

But I was still terrified.

"Read it," Jacob provoked me. I clenched my fist around it as tightly as I could without bending it, my knuckles turning white. It was horrible, wanting something and yet wanting to forget all about it at the same exact time. I wasn't sure if I would regret what I was about to do- I sure hoped not.

Author's Note: Whoa, sorry for the long pause between chapters. I've been totally loaded with homework lately. I'll try to get the chapters up quicker soon, and I'm going to be working on a few requests soon as well. I hope you like this chapter, and as stated before, if you have any ideas you ever want me to consider, either related to this story or not, just let me know. Thanks to all the past reviewers, too! :D


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the characters on it. I do own Jacob, though! Oh, **(important to read)** and the -- in the letter from Freddie means that word was crossed out! Don't want you to get confused. Oh, and I don't know if Belleview is a real town, I just know it's the name of Drake and Josh's high school haha.

_Dear Sam,_

_I don't even know why I'm writing you- shouldn't I be writing Carly? Then again, you're the one I've been thinking about the most lately. Why? Because - -- -- --. Whoa, that's sort of weird to say, isn't it? Nah, never mind that. Stupid thought._

_I guess I shouldn't have been so angry at you for messing with me and Carly, but I still don't understand why you would do that! Do you really hate me so much you don't even want me to date your friend? I mean, I guess I didn't _really_ like Carly, but still...she was perfect. I mean, -- -- --. Whoa, let me back up...you know, you're never going to even get this letter, so I don't know why I'm even bothering to cross this stuff out. I didn't mean to write it, anyways. At least, I don't think I do._

_Anyways, I like it here, but I miss hanging out with you and Carly and doing iCarly. I've been watching all the episodes still, you know? No, you probably don't know, and you probably don't care, do you? I think I'm going to go with my dad...he lives in Arizona, but I doubt you would care about that either, would you? _

_I don't know why I'm writing you. Okay, so - --. –'- -- - -- --. Whoa, I don't know why I'm writing all this stuff. I mean, I like Carly. I like Carly a lot. Okay, so I don't like Carly, but I'm moving on completely with my life. I'm glad I moved away- but I wonder if you'll ever wonder about _me_._

_If you ever read this, I bet you'd say I was being stupid. I bet you'd say, "I'd never wonder about you, Fredloser!" And I bet that would be true._

_Freddie_

It was so hard to read the letter- there were water smudges along the page, and it looked like he had smeared his led all over it as well. It was mangled up from being in the trash can. But, none of these things were the reason why the letter was so hard for me to read.

He didn't think I cared about him! He didn't think I wondered about him! The idiot had never even realized that I _loved_ him. Liked him. Loved him. Who knows? I haven't seen the boy in years; I can't be sure until I _see _him. _If_ I see him. _When _I see him.

Of course I knew his father lived in Arizona! I remembered perfectly the day he had shown me his scrapbook and pictures of his family.

_"That's my father!" Freddie Benson said in a strangely mangled attempt at enthusiasm as he jabbed his finger down onto a random picture. The man was tall with dark eyes and pale skin, with dark curly hair. Sam cocked her head to the side and one eyebrow up, surprised._

_"Where's he live?" she asked, being able to sense when _not_ to make fun of someone- and this was definitely one of those times. She wouldn't pick on Freddie when he seemed this upset- besides; this was the time when she was going through the horrible process of admitting to herself that she liked him. She didn't make fun of him much at all during _that_ time._

_Freddie made a face, and then answered quietly, "This one small town in Arizona...Belleview. He lives there with his new fiancée. I mean, not that I care. He left years ago, after all!" he exclaimed loudly, and the determination in his voice was nearly heart breaking. Sam patted his shoulder, but he moved away from her and then turned five pages past._

_"There's Jacob again," he pointed, and Sam didn't say anything. Her hand seemed to sting from the spot where he had shrugged it off, and it took all she had in her not to show it._

"You okay?" Jacob asked me nervously, appearing again- I hadn't even noticed what he'd been doing these past few moments, but he was suddenly next to me again. I guess I shouldn't be surprised due to my 'time out' that I only then noticed the hot tears trickling down my cheeks. I hadn't cried back then- it was bound to have come out anyways, right? This letter only made it worse, anyways.

"I'm so stupid- I shouldn't have shown you the letter- I think you should head back to Seattle," he said, yanking a tissue from a giant box on the floor next to his bed (a present from Mrs. Benson, I bet) and wiped my tears away quickly. He used strong, swift motions that stung my cheeks, but I didn't protest. It was taking everything I had in me to _still_ not blubber away. I had tuned that memory out for a long time, and with it _and_ the letter...it was all just too much.

"No!" I almost screamed, and he clapped a hand over my mouth. Jokingly, I licked it, and he gave me a weak, almost nervous smile, and pulled it away. "Sorry," he apologized quickly, and I just shrugged. Carly had covered my mouth so many times by now I was totally used to it. Of course, I couldn't remember the last time she was that freaked out of me just saying something...

Jacob watched me nervously still, wiping his hand once on his jeans so he could pass me another tissue. I took it, but just blew my nose. Other people could wipe my tears, but I never had. I would wish them to just flow right back up. I would wish them to wash themselves away. Tears were a sign of weakness, and Sam Puckett is not weak.

"We've got to go to Belleview," I said, jumping up, and Jacob leaped up as well, trying to pull me away from his door as I tried to go out. I easily shook him off, but he kept getting another grip. It was tiring- I finally just stood still and allowed him to pull me away from the door.

"Sam, I don't think we need to go traipsing around the US looking for Freddie. If he wanted to be found, he'd be found," he protested, and I had to stop myself from laughing. Freddie, the high tech geek, would not be putting himself out to be found. If anything, he would be trying not to be found just to see who would _try_ to find him. I found myself doing that a lot lately- pushing people away just to see if they'll keep coming back to me.

"We do. Jacob, I'm sorry, but we've got to go," I protested as well, yanking out of his grip and pushing him away. I opened the door and prepared to walk out when his hands locked around my wrist with surprising strength. I had forgotten he was so athletically...talented.

I turned around to yell at him, but he had a small grin on his face as he released me. That grin gave me hope for something- I wasn't sure what. I was just being overly hopeful at the moment. I tried to bring myself down with pessimism, but it didn't work. Jacob had had an idea. That much was obvious.

"We can go with you. Mrs. Benson and I, I mean. She'll be able to help with Freddie, and I think I want to find him too. If that's okay with you and Carly, it is your car after all...we'd chip in with gas money..." he drifted off, grinning at me excitedly.

At first, I wanted to punch him and tell him to stop bugging me. The old Sam would've said, "Oh, whatever. I can find Fredweiner all on my own, fyi." But now the idea seemed pretty interesting to the shell of old Sam. It seemed like an interesting idea, keeping Jacob- who helped me more than I ever thought possible- and Mrs. Benson- who seemed to bring me closer to Freddie, and _would _know a lot about him- along with us.

I tossed my arms around his neck so I could let a tear slide down my cheek without being noticed. I just wiped it on his shirt, and shivered a bit when his hands touched my waist. I couldn't remember _really_ speaking to a boy- besides Spencer and Jake, of course- in quite a while. Back when I hung out with Freddie, I had long conversations with him, Gibby, Germy, his other loserish friends...and now it was just Spencer and Jake. And you couldn't call the conversations I had with Jake real conversations, and the few dates I went on always included terrible conversations. The old Sam would return briefly enough for me to sneak out of the bathroom window, of course.

_"How was your date with Reuben?" Carly smirked at Sam when she came panting into the apartment. Spencer immediately set a plate of ham and a smoothie on the counter for her when he saw her, ignoring the quick way her fingers swiftly slammed and locked every part of the door shut._

_"It's times like these I miss Fr-...Mrs. Benson. She always had a bunch of extra locks, pepper spray, hammers, this little invention to make you see the person outside of the door better..." Sam drifted off with a half hearted grin as she started to rip the ham to shreds in quick, tiny bites. _

_Carly rolled her eyes, but looked suspicious. "Does that mean the date went good or bad?" she asked finally, and Sam almost spit her ham out, shaking her head furiously._

_"I never shoulda given that boy another shot- he's still psycho! When I snuck out the girl's bathroom window he was waiting outside, and he kept following me telling me all these random sayings. It was so weird- at one point he started babbling about you and Fr...other people, but I have no idea what he was saying anyways. I finally just ran all the way here- I don't _think_ he followed me, but you never know with that boy..." she drifted off, and Carly burst into the laughter._

_"I can't believe he was waiting outside! That boy _is _a fr-," she stopped at a loud thumping on the door, and Spencer turned on the radio._

_Dramatic music pounded out at top blast, and he immediately turned it off as Sam ran to the door and slammed herself against it, staring out of the peep hole for at least two minutes before she rolled her eyes and opened the door._

_"It's just Socko," she snickered, and she and Carly spent the rest of the night laughing at Socko's new inventions and mocking Reuben, but Sam seemed out of it- as always._

"You'll really come along? Like it won't bug you to follow us around and go with us on my bizarre attempts at finding Freddie?" I questioned, and Jacob just laughed and shook his head.

"I don't mind at all. I just think it's a little weird that you're so into finding him. You would be better off not...messing with yourself like this," he chose his words carefully as we broke apart and started walking towards me and Carly's room.

I ignored him, and walked into the room and closed the door behind me.

The next morning (after a healthy breakfast with Freddie's mom) we were all crammed in a car together.

Author's Note: I got the idea of people coming along from Nature9000's review, so I'd like to thank that person now. It was a suggestion to just travel across the states looking with everyone, and so it dawned on me that it would be a good idea for them to come along as well- I didn't want it to get boring with just Carly and Sam constantly. So, now Jacob and Mrs. Benson are coming along and they're heading to Belleview, Arizona. Thanks for reading this chapter, and thanks to all the reviewers I've had so far!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the other characters on it. I do, however, own Jacob.

"Samantha! You pull this car over right this instant!" Mrs. Benson's frantic voice came from the back seat. I had thought for _sure_ she was asleep by now. I adjusted my rear view mirror to exchange a look with Carly, who had moved to the backseat for more comfort. She just rolled her eyes, glaring over at Mrs. Benson.

We had pulled over at least thirty times so far, on this second day- to get food, to go to the restroom, to pick up snacks, to rest, to get gas, to pump air into the tires, when Mrs. Benson thought that she saw a bug in the car, when she thought she saw a tick crawling on Jacob's foot...it was constant. I wasn't sure why she wanted me to pull over right now, but I knew if I didn't it would only get worse- and so I obediently pulled into the rest stop we were fast approaching.

"The next rest stop won't be for thirty miles- you need to go to the restroom right now!" she commanded, and I leaped out eagerly. Jacob dived out of the passenger's seat and ran as well. Carly curled up and pretended she was still asleep- lucky. Mrs. Benson was frantically running around trying to make sure she had all the brochures possible to get, and Jacob was probably out to hide in the boy's restroom for a few minutes until he was sure she wouldn't come after him to make sure he had extra toilet paper like she had the last time. It was _then_, by myself, that I saw him.

He was sneezing away, unsurprisingly, and all I saw at first were legs dangling from a trash can as it shook violently. I nervously approached, and then kicked the trash can over. Should it be a surprise that I _still_ recognized the groan of pain he gave when he fell from the can and made contact with the gravel?

"What are you doing here, Germy?" I made a face, jumping away from him when he almost sneezed on my shoes. He climbed up to his feet using a nearby pole, and the whole time I kept close to him, but still kept distance. He was just as disgusting as he had been the last time I saw him.

"I live in the town only a half hour away," he said as if I should've known, making a confused face. When he realized I had no idea, he groaned and sneezed a few times before shouting, "You came to my going away party last year!"

Whoa, I really _had_ been out of it since Freddie had moved.

"Huh. Well, you shouldn't be _that_ surprised I don't remember _your_ party," I snickered a bit, and Jeremy sighed and backed away from me. I wonder if I had been making fun of him after Freddie moved away. I wondered if that one time I had made fun of Gibby as he tried to flirt was the first time since his move that I _had_ made fun of someone.

"We went out on a date once! Remember, you said you had to go to the bathroom and never came back?"

_"Germy!" Sam's scream echoed through the restaurant. "Carly set me up on a date with _you_! That's..." she drifted off as Jeremy smiled at her patiently. It seemed like it would take too much effort for her to insult him in her eyes. For a moment, she thought that maybe it was _mean_ to insult 'Germy.'_

_That thought scared her._

_"I've got to use the bathroom, okay?" she said, practically running to the restroom as Jeremy called, "Okay!" after her._

_Two minutes later she was walking towards Carly's apartment yelling on the phone, "How could you do that to me?"_

Oh yeah. I try to block out that painful memory.

"Oh yeah. I try to block out that painful memory." It was getting so much easier to tell someone what I really thought about them. I missed the good old days where I did that constantly. Those were really 'the days.'

Germy made a face and sneezed. "You know, Carly told me you knew! It's not my fault!" he complained/sneezed away, and I glared at the spot where Carly was 'sleeping' about a quarter mile away. I hadn't realized I had gotten this far- I must've run pretty fast at the thought of Mrs. Benson chasing me with panty liners again.

"Well, why were you in the _trash_?" I asked, changing the subject. I did feel a tad guilty about not even remembering that the sap moved away last year. Of course, that thought disturbed me. The old Sam wouldn't have cared at all. The old Sam spoke her mind, and if she hurt people, that was okay- because the old Sam didn't want anybody around her who would be that upset. And strangely enough, people always seemed to come back to the old Sam.

Except for _one_ person.

"When I-," he was suddenly sneezing so bad he broke off here and doubled over. "When I got to the town-," Sneeze. Sneeze. Sneeze again. A few more sneezes passed before he straightened up and tried to speak again. "There was this group of _sneeze_ kids who _sneeze_ thought _sneeze_ that I _sneeze sneeze sneeze sneeze_ was annoying and _sneeze _they constantly drive me _sneeze_ here _sneeze sneeze sneeze_ and dump me in the _sneeze _trash and _sneeze_ then-,"

"Whoops, guess I don't really care," I rolled my eyes at him and held out a hand to shut him up. I didn't want to listen to him sneeze the whole time. Who _did_?

Jeremy made a face, and was preparing to walk away before I stopped him by shouting, "WAIT!" Obediently, he spun around to face me with a nervous look on his face. I felt like I _should _dump him in the trash can for that look on his face, but I needed information much more.

"Have you talked to Fred...die lately?" I asked, shocked when I almost called him Fredloser. It had been a long time since I had thought up any insults for Freddie. I guess making fun of Germy brought back the good old memories.

Jeremy nodded eagerly, saying, "Yeah, of course! He _sneeze_ asked about _sneeze sneeze _you when I told him you were at my_ sneeze_ party," he added, and I smiled a tiny bit despite the situation. He had asked about me? If it wasn't Jeremy in front of me, and I didn't want him to think I was a lovesick loser, I would demand what he had asked about, what he had said, how he had said it...I would be like Carly's clone. I shuddered.

"I haven't _sneeze sneeze _talked to him _sneeze _since _sneeze _then, though. He_ sneeze_ told me he was _sneeze sneeze _moving away from _sneeze _his dad to see_ sneeze sneeze sneeze_ some_ sneeze_ girl. He said he told his _sneeze _dad about it, but that _sneeze_ was it. He didn't want_ sneeze _his mom to find _sneeze _out," he made a face again, sighing. "I wonder when we'll _sneeze _meet up again."

I wasn't breathing. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to lie down so I could catch my breath. I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. No, no, I didn't. I just really wanted to cry. Because Freddie wanted to be with some girl. Okay, so that's not what Germy said, but why else would Freddie go looking for a random girl? And he wasn't with his father. We were heading to his father, but he wasn't there. He wasn't there. He wasn't there.

"Bye," I said and turned and walked away. Mrs. Benson was already in the car, and Jacob was too.

"Who were you talking to?" he asked me curiously, and I just shrugged and mumbled, "Some kid I thought I recognized." He didn't pry, somehow sensing how upset I was. I wondered why nobody ever _did_ pry into my life.

_"Are you okay?" Freddie asked as he walked into the Shay's apartment to find Sam curled up in a ball on the couch, staring blankly at the television screen. She smiled up at him a tiny bit- this was a few months before the move would come. This was when she daydreamed about him coming to her, telling her he loved her and not Carly...this was the time when it was hardest to stay Sam. This was the time where her dreams were dashed daily._

_"Yeah." She mumbled, but her face had tear tracks and her voice cracked. Today her mother had invited _him _to live with them again. Freddie sat down on the arm of the couch next to the pillow her head rested on, and pushed her hair gently from her face nervously. It seemed like he was half expecting her to hit him, but she kept her hands tightly gripped on the edge of the pillow near his thigh, catching her breath when his leg brushed her knuckles._

_"Are you sure?" he asked quietly, getting down on his knees to stare into her eyes like he doubted her. It seemed like the daydreams might just come true for once, the way he was looking at her- as if he _did_ like her and not Carly._

_And then Carly opened the door, and he turned and grinned at her and sat next to Sam. "Hey Carly," he told her, and Sam closed her eyes and buried her face in the pillow._

Mrs. Benson fell asleep in an hour. She had claimed that her allergies were working up, and asked me to pass her the Benadryl- and I pulled over (per orders) and hid the bottle of sleeping pills from her sight as I passed the small pink pills to her and Jacob and Carly grinned, each having had a view somehow. Now, thankfully, she was passed out for a while. I sped down the highway, getting closer and closer to Belleview every moment- it was just past the Arizona border, and we had just broken into Arizona, so, as usual, my excitement was bubbling. I wanted to know where Freddie was, even if he was with 'some girl.'

I choked up a bit and Jacob shot me a look.

Carly was asleep too, and Jacob sat in the seat next to me staring blankly out the window. I let my thoughts drift until Jacob turned to me suddenly, and I struggled to get back in my lane after veering to the left as if I could rip the car apart, me and Carly away from those two. He grabbed the wheel expertly and dragged it towards himself, and I breathed a small sigh of relief when I was driving back along my original lane.

"Sorry," he grinned, his eyes twinkling with mischief- I knew the mischief well. It had been like I was wearing contacts all those years with the sparkle of it in them, and when Freddie moved I had taken them out. Or maybe I'm just being melodramatic.

"I just wanted to say...we'll be in Belleview in a half hour," he said, and I nodded, trying to keep my breathing normal so I didn't hyperventilate. Half hour! This was exciting. This was bliss. This was more Freddie news only a half hour away! This was nervousness, pulsing up in the pit of my stomach as Jacob advised me to pull over so he could drive the rest of the way.

We both walked around the hood, but he stopped so I couldn't get past. "Sam, if we find Freddie there..." he drifted off, and I made a face. We _wouldn't _find Freddie there- but I didn't want them to know that. I didn't want to explain to Carly how it had felt talking to Germy, and if I began to explain talking to Germy I would spill everything. Our relationship had taken a much more personal turn- it was like things back _then_ now, when we told each other everything. It was like when we snapped the head off of Mr. Duck together, we had snapped back into our old friendship, before everything had happened.

"What are you expecting when you see him?" I was glad he wasn't saying if anymore. I was glad he was saying _when_, since I couldn't answer what I was expecting when we saw him in a 'half hour.' I didn't want to tell Jacob we wouldn't be seeing him, either.

"Well, all I know is that I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel about him, and I'm going to tell him everything I should've told him the day I watched him walk out of the Shay's apartment," I said this all very mechanically. It was something I had been repeating to myself a lot the past few days on the road.

Jacob sighed a tiny bit. "What if Freddie doesn't feel the same way, Sam? What if?" he demanded. Back to the _ifs_ of course. Jacob worried like an old woman. No- Jacob worried like Mrs. Benson!

It was my turn to sound sickly masochistic. "Then I'll be happy. Because I can move on, knowing that I did whatever I could to salvage that relationship. I can get on with my life, finally." I sighed wistfully, and Jacob's face took on a suddenly twisted expression.

"You can't be serious!" he gaped at me, and I cocked an eyebrow. "You've let him hurt you all this time, and you're willing to let him just hurt you again? Don't you realize that there are other alternatives?"

Jacob took another step closer to me, and I rolled my eyes. It was almost annoying- every time we were alone he changed the conversation awkwardly intimate. He demanded to sit in the front with me instead of Carly. It was like he was attached to my hip, lately. It was like...something I hadn't ever really experienced before. I couldn't compare it to much.

"Like what?" I demanded, almost laughing as I stared up at him. His eyes locked with mine, and I could see my steely gaze in his hardened eyes. We seemed to be sizing each other up for a long moment, and then he tilted his frame slightly...

And then his lips pressed against mine.

Author's Note: Whoa, sorry for the cliffhanger, but this chapter has seemed to stretch on forever. So, Freddie isn't at Belleview, but Sam wants information from his father of where he is now. And Jacob and Sam...who knows? And Mrs. Benson...crazy as ever. :D Thanks for reading, and thanks to those who reviewed my last chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed this so far- the next chapter should be up soon.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or any of the characters on it, but I own Jacob and Fredward

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or any of the characters on it, but I own Jacob and Freddie's dad.

I pulled away immediately, my eyes huge. When was the last time I had even kissed a boy? Years ago. When was the last time I wanted to kiss a boy?

The day Freddie left came to mind.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, and Jacob looked shocked himself. Well, maybe he was scared when I gestured at him with my fist, even though I had no intention of actually hitting the boy. Okay, part of me _wanted _to hit him. The old Sam wanted to hit him, to punch him, because the old Sam was in love with Freddie. The old Sam was in..._hurt_ with Freddie. You can't be in love with someone you've never met, and the new Sam never met Freddie. She met the painful memory, and that was it.

"I just...the moment, and I thought that..." he drifted off. Smart boy. He took one step back, but then stretched his hand out to me. "Sam, you can't just let yourself...be obsessed with Freddie forever. Chances are he has a new girlfriend. Chances are he's happy where he is. Chances are-," Jacob never got to finish that sentence, because there was a figure suddenly behind him that pushed him.

Not hard- he just stumbled a little bit past me and looked over his shoulder in surprise. At first I was afraid it might be Mrs. Benson- those sleeping pills are supposed to knock you out for eight hours!- but the strength behind the push announced who it really was. I only knew one person who was that gentle when it came to physical violence.

"Carly?" Jacob said, cocking one eyebrow awkwardly. She was fuming- her nostrils were flared, and her hair was still sticking straight up from her sleep. Her eyes were bloodshot and angry. I smiled a tiny bit. I hadn't seen Carly this mad since Valerie tried to mess with our web show.

"You can't just...you can't just kiss Sam!" she seemed more frustrated than I was. It was strange, for her to be angrier than me. I was the one who had been kissed, right? Then again, Carly was a bit prone to overreacting.

_"Sam!" Carly Shay screamed when she walked into her apartment to find her best friend watching reruns of iCarly. It had been a few weeks since they had quit the show, but a step closer showed Sam wasn't even watching _those_ episodes. In the episode she was watching, Freddie Benson was speaking to Valerie on camera as Sam laughed and said something about 'date a dork' and jokingly rubbed Freddie's stomach. Sam was grinning bizarrely widely._

_"What?" Sam demanded, slamming the laptop closed with an audible _snap!_ Carly was surprised by the force behind it, and the glare in Sam's eyes. She was nervous- afraid. The look disappeared in a moment, replaced with a smile and a sweet, "So, did you bring any ham home?"_

_Carly stared at Sam for a long time, then she ran over to the laptop and yanked it away from her friend. Sam's reflexes had been getting worse and worse over time, surprisingly. She was still way stronger than her, but when Sam was thinking about _him_ there she was little she could do._

_"Why are you looking at videos of Freddie again? Sam, this needs to stop!" she demanded, and Sam winced a tiny bit, shaking her head as she reached grabbing hands out for the laptop._

_"I like looking at our old skits, Carls, chill. Give me the laptop," she said with a deepness in her voice, even though it was Carly's laptop. Carly held it over her head- bad idea._

_Sam launched herself effortlessly into the air a full foot up, yanked the laptop from her friend's hands, and then bursted behind Spencer who just then walked in the door._

_"Sam's clinging to Freddie too much!" "Carly's overreacting again!" both girls screamed to him at the same time, and Spencer nervously pulled the laptop from Sam's hands. Her fingers pried themselves off seconds at a time, as if it were a major task to release the only way she could look at Freddie anymore- and it was. _

_"Maybe you guys should just go hang out at Groovy Smoothies for a bit...here's a ten," he pulled one quickly from his pocket, and Carly and Sam exchanged a glance and grabbed the money, their coats, their cell phones, and left. They never spoke of that incident, or the hundreds of other similar ones, again._

"You're taking advantage of her! The old Sam would've...she would've...she would've kicked your ass!" Carly screamed, and then gasped and covered her own mouth. A now unfamiliar smirk blossomed on my face along with the surprise of its return- and then it took full control. It stretched into my eyes with the mischievous look again, like the contacts had just been put back in. For a moment, I saw the world the way I used too- like I could beat it. Like I could take down the whole world as long as Carly, Freddie and Spencer were at my side.

And I could've.

"Whoa, Carls, I haven't seen you this riled in a while. Jake, you're really gonna 'rue' this day," I snickered. Strangely enough, Carly laughed too. And then were holding our stomachs, doubling over and laughing hysterically on the side of the freeway as Jacob watched us with obvious confusion and Mrs. Benson gently snored through it all.

"Nevel was such a little _twerp_!" Carly said, and I laughed again.

"Remember when we snuck into his house, and Freddie got stuck hanging in air?" I screamed, and strangely enough, the memory of Freddie didn't hurt me. I was the old Sam still. I could handle things easily. Freddie had strangely enough become my world, and as stated before, there was a time where I could've thrown the world right down in a wrestling match. I laughed even harder, salvaging this moment.

Carly seemed to be doing the same.

Struggling through laughter, she added on, "And you spun him around, and then Nevel's crazy grandmother came in and started hitting him!" We laughed even harder, and then Jacob was joining in with us at the thought of some crazy old bat beating Freddie as he screamed like a girl. And then, ever so swiftly, I punched him in the stomach.

His scream was loud, and I looked to Mrs. Benson first, strangely enough. She jolted, her eyelids fluttered, but all she saw was the darkness creeping in with the night. She didn't seem to continue stirring, oddly enough. Maybe Mrs. Benson wasn't quite so good at catching all vulgar words and screams of pain anymore. Or maybe- just maybe- she had become a shell. Like me and like Carly and like so many other people lately. It was like a spreading disease.

"You punched me!" he hissed through clenched teeth as he held his stomach. Carly had stopped laughing, but she looked like she was about to start again. I was suddenly horrified. I was back to being a shell, not the old Sam anymore. I reached a hand out to him and he shied away from it. It stung the same way as it had when Freddie had done the same thing, and I thought I might cry again.

He looked up through fluttering eyelashes and moved back to me. Had I called him a smart boy earlier? I took that back. What typical boy gets punched for kissing a girl and then keeps coming back to her? Of course, I wasn't going to hit him again...but who was to be the judge of that? He sure wasn't. He had no proof. He had- why was I arguing with myself?

"What are you doing? I just hit you! You should be...running! Or at least jumping into the backseat, or...I don't know..." I drifted off, and Carly met my eyes with sympathy. I hated her pity. It was horrifying, to understand how much she pitied me constantly. I could see all the reasons behind her pity, and that just made it worse. There is almost nothing worse than genuine pity.

"Well, you're not feeling well...I mean, after you see Freddie..." he gave me a tiny smile, and I rolled my eyes.

"You can sit with Mrs. Benson for the rest of the ride!" I hissed, and jumped right into the driver's seat as Carly smirked and stepped into the passenger's seat. As soon as everyone was buckled in again, I took my anger out on driving and sped off at ninety miles per hour on the almost lonely street.

_"So...Jonah really hurt you, didn't he?" Freddie asked Samantha Puckett as she sat at the end of the couch, her knees pulled to her chest, her chin resting on her knees. For a long time she didn't acknowledge him, but then she just rolled her eyes. It was a good enough response for Freddie._

_"Okay, I know, I know, stupid. Of course he did! But...are you...uhm, are you okay?" he asked stiffly, and Sam turned to look at him for a fleeting second. For just a moment, they shared everything. Sam shared her feelings about Freddie- her confusion. This was back in time, when she was just warming up to the idea of Freddie as a whole. She shared all of that, and he shared his sympathy, and she shared her hatred for Jonah, and he shared his as well. She shared her jealousy for Carly, and Freddie looked at her through his eyelashes with a look he reserved especially for Carly._

_"I'll be okay. I hope," Sam answered finally, though she hated to break the moment. There was nothing she could think of sharing. Oh, there were hundreds of things too share- but nothing as important as what she had with her mixture of expressions. He gave her a tiny smile and slung his arm around her shoulder on the couch._

_Turning to stare at the rerun of Girly Cow on TV, he said quietly, "I think you will, Sam," and when he fell asleep, Sam awkwardly rested her head on his shoulder and found out that it wasn't so bad to be this close to a geek._

_And that was when she knew she liked him._

The sign had been very clear at the rest stop. The Fencin' Bensons old club from back in the day had been revived about a few months ago, and it had an address. An address Jacob had been able to point out as a home address- this was the only time I talked to him after the...kiss. I felt guilty, as if I had cheated on Freddie- when, with my luck, Freddie probably didn't even care for me at all.

So I had driven to Freddie's father- Jason's! - house. I had parked in the driveway, nonetheless. I had stared at the front door for another hour after Carly and Jacob finally fell asleep again. I was still staring when he stepped out, looking at his watch and talking on the phone.

"I have to go Freddie," he said when he saw me, pulling the phone slightly away from his ear. I heard the ring of Freddie's voice- Freddie was speaking to his father right now! I could hear him! Right here in Belleview, Arizona at 5:20 am. It was still dark. Why were both of them up? Why why why? I didn't care enough to keep asking questions, though- this was my chance! My chance to talk to Freddie!

I jumped out of the car.

Author's Note: Urgh, another cliffhanger. Sorry guys, but the convo with Jacob took a lot longer than I expected! Also, sorry for the extremely long delay. During the week I find it a lot harder to write. I'm going to try to write a few more chapters this weekend and post them periodically during the week, and I'm sorry to the people who have requested stories- I'll get them up as _soon as possible! _I really apologize for the constant delays, but freshman year is hard. xD


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the other characters on it.

_"Do you ever think that maybe they can understand us?" Freddie asked as he and Sam stared down at a stray dog outside of the apartments. They were huddled together, staring down at it, as they waited for Carly to come out to meet them._

_"I doubt it. Watch this," Sam said, taking a small step closer to the friendly dog. Freddie rolled his eyes as she said, "Hey idiot! Loser! Look at me, come here!" and the dog jumped up on her._

_"I think its better to be nicer to animals, though," he made a face, and she shrugged and picked up the dog, setting it on the bench next to Freddie so they could both pet it._

_They stroked it for a moment before Sam chimed in, "Aren't you being nice to it in even talking to it, though? Sometimes, maybe, someone craves attention from certain people enough that they wouldn't care if the other person was taunting it. Maybe it thinks that something, even insults, is better than nothing!"_

_Her face was bright red by the time she finished, and she covered it with her hair as she pet the dog. Freddie's hand brushed against her's as he continued petting it. He watched Sam carefully- with her hair in her face, she never got to see the grin he gave her._

_"Maybe it _does_ understand me, then," he said softly, and Sam shot him a quick grin before Carly came running out of the apartment doors._

My heart was pounding as Jason made a slightly disturbed face. He was wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase, which he dropped immediately when I came at him.

I half expected him to hit me, but realization flooded his face suddenly and he reached an arm out to catch me. "Samantha?" he asked at the same time I screamed, "I need to talk to Freddie!"

I had never heard a more beautiful thing than Freddie's voice on the phone as he said, "Sam?" in that panicked scream.

I had never heard a more tragic thing when Jason dropped the phone and the _click_ sounded when it hung up.

"Samantha...why are you here? When did you get here? _How_ did you get here? Is that...is that my ex wife in the car?" Jason asked in a voice that was beyond alarmed as he crouched down and stared at the figures in the car- they had all woken up, their eyes huge.

"I want to call Freddie! I _need _to talk to him!" I said in the old Sam voice. It was amazing, how feeling so close to Freddie's _voice_ could make me feel on top of the world again. Jacob was at my side in a second, sitting on the same side of the car, and Carly jumped around to meet me, arriving at the same time as Mrs.- or should I say Ms now?- Benson.

Carly patted my shoulder, realizing that Freddie wasn't here. Her eyes were filled with pity- I hated her. I hated her for a fraction of a second, just because of that pity. That brought me back down to the shell of Sam instantly, horror the only thing able to fill my frame.

She never noticed the changing emotions on my face.

Jacob and Ms. Benson seemed to see, but Ms. Benson more than anything else. She put both of her arms around me, but I was already reaching out for the phone. It was awkward to not only the old Sam but the shell of Sam to have them all crowding around me. I wasn't used to all of this...understanding.

"Sam, maybe it's best if you _don't_ call Freddie," Jason said stiffly, struggling hard to keep his eyes focused on either me or his nephew, and never his ex wife. I grimaced, shaking my head.

"I need to talk to him. You don't know how much I've done to get here!" I bellowed, and Jason leapt back. I thought I heard Carly make a near hissing noise at his rudeness, but when I looked at her the only thing hinting towards that was the narrowed eyes.

Then- I got me some luck of the Irish, I swear! - the phone rings. I dive at the same time Jason tries to pull it back, and I'm across the street pushing the answer button by the time he realizes the phone isn't in his hands anymore. Carly, Jacob and Ms. Benson all grinned at me as they 'accidentally' stood in a straight line in front of Jason and craned their ears.

"Hello, this is Sam Puckett," I said into the phone as businesslike as possible. Okay, so Jason had treated me kind of rudely so far, but I wouldn't screw up his business if this wasn't Freddie on the phone. Why, you ask? I don't know why. The old Sam would've answered, "House of losers, would you like me to pass you onto one?"

At least my voice was still a little sarcastic when I said it.

"Sam," Freddie whispered, not a question as most people would say. His voice seemed to knock the wind out of me- I fell lightly onto the grass of the house across the street immediately.

_"Sam!" Freddie called to his friend when he saw her walking across the street. He smiled a tiny bit at the way she stopped in the middle of it, not caring if traffic came- even if the street was totally empty- and then looked automatically up to his window. _

_"It's eleven o' clock- what are you doing?" he asked, cocking his head to the side as she walked over to stand beneath his window. A fire escape ran along it, and she climbed onto it like it was a playground, pulling herself all the way off of the ground and up to where she could get her footing and then climb the rest of the way. She bypassed the stairs completely._

_Freddie watched her with mingled respect, surprise, and worry._

_"Oh, just strolling down the street. Climbing up fire escapes," she smirked as she stood in front of his window on the very edge of the top of the fire escape. He watched her nervously, locking his hands on the wrists she had on the windowsill._

_"You're going to kill yourself," he said, as a faint blush circled on both of their cheeks._

_Each mistook the other's blush for a reaction to the cold._

_"You worry too much, Fredward. One of these days, your face is just gonna lock up like that," Sam snickered a bit at the indent between his eyebrows. Freddie rubbed his face on his sleeve, embarrassed, but still grinning as he watched her and held her pinned to the window._

_"So why _are_ you out this late?" he demanded, and Sam just shrugged. _

_"Carly was telling me something earlier and it just...it really bugged me. I didn't want to hang out over there." She clamped her mouth shut as soon as she said it, realizing she had said too much._

_Freddie was shocked. "Well, what did she say?" he demanded. He couldn't remember very many times that Sam ever got offended at something Carly had said._

_Sam wanted to tell him then, of course. She wanted to say, "Because she told me she just might like you! And _I _like you, and I can't even tell my best friend! I can't even tell you!"_

_But all she did was say, "I've gotta go, Freddork. Let go of my wrists." And Freddie obediently let go of her wrists._

_"SAM!" he screamed when she tottered backwards, seemingly making no effort to stop herself. A hand on his chest shoved him back into the window._

_"You're hanging on the fire escape!" he whisper-screamed when he saw Sam clinging with both hands to the edge, smirking._

_"Really?" Sam mocked shock as she grinned at him for a moment, watching him with her head tilted to one side. _

_Freddie watched back, confused. He was back to leaning out of the window, terrified she would let go. It was a strange thing, he thought, to be so paranoid over Sam Puckett's possible demise._

_"Have a nice night, Freddie," Sam said finally, and then she let herself drop._

_The sound of feet thudding against the pavement drowned out Freddie's, "Be careful!"_

Carly was there in a second, crouching next to me. She stayed silent, her eyes huge. She had never realized, I guess, the weight of how much I liked him. It seemed to come crashing down on her now.

"Freddie," I responded softly, because it was the only thing I could think to say. And then, I felt tears slide down my face, and I covered the phone to groan. I was _crying_ now. Crying! I never cried!

"I hope he's happy," I muttered, and Carly smiled at me. It was another pity smile, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to start _blubbering_.

Ugh.

"Sam, why...why are you with my _dad_?" he asked suddenly, confused. I should've expected that.

"Actually, I'm with Carly, Jacob and your mom. I'm only near your dad," I said, smirking a tiny bit. I could imagine him on the other line! Shocked, gasping, confused. His hair that shiny brown due to the gel, his eyebrows furrowed, that little indent forming between them...

"Jacob? Why...why are you like...what...whoa." he whispered in broken sentences, and then I found myself crying harder. It was an out of body experience, crying. Well, for me it was. It was strange. I didn't even feel the tears streaming down my face, but Carly was swiping at them with a tissue she had magically produced; only the tears just kept coming.

"Are you crying?" Freddie asked quietly, his voice astounded.

"I don't cry," I said in a muffled tone, and it was so pitiful both of us laughed.

"Tell him!" Carly mouthed, and I nodded obediently, preparing myself. _I like you, Freddie! _No. Why would I go traipsing around the USA just because I liked him? _I love you Freddie! _No, too scary. The last time I had talked to him we were arguing.

Hadn't I freaking thought of this? My tears bubbled up angrier now. I could feel myself crying. I could feel all of my emotions running out. I could feel my heart pounding, and I could feel every little tingle running down my body. I could feel every individual hair standing on end, and I could feel every goosebump forming. I could feel the sudden shift of my own temperature, and I could feel my cheeks heating up from frustration.

For the first time in so many weeks, I was so _in control_. I was going to say it! To tell him! To tell him how I felt!

I opened my mouth to speak.

"Can you...can you come over and talk to me?" Freddie asked slowly, interrupting me. His voice was so strong with confusion. His voice was so profound. His voice was everything for a moment, every goosebump, every hair, every patch of heat and every patch of cold, and every heartbeat. Just for a moment.

All of my will power died as I agreed.

Author's Note: I really enjoyed writing this chapter, actually. I love the flashbacks, and I love the way Sam gets so frustrated, because I can totally see it all in my head. xD Not being cocky, just amazed I could transfer such a vivid picture into words. Anyways, sorry for the long delays, I'll start working on those requests soon, thanks to the reviewers, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :D Oh, by the way, I'm also thinking that I might turn all of these chapters into songfics after I've finished...probably just for my own benefit, but if you have any song ideas I would be grateful. :D


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the characters on it, but I own Jason and Jacob! Oh, and the song lyrics featured are to Realize by Colbie Callait.

There I was, right outside of Freddie's apartment. Carly, Jacob and Ms. Benson stared at me, waiting for me to signal for them to get out of the car. I kept it running, since Ms. Benson said you should never get out of a car that was moving...actually, that's on her list of twenty rules and she enforces it. When I jumped out of the car to run to the restroom when Carly was driving for a short time, I got lectured in front of everyone around us for it. Nobody was about to break that rule and be that embarrassed.

But that was insignificant. _Everyone_ in the car was waiting to talk to Freddie. We all wanted to see him and be with him. I may think _my _situation is bad, but if I put myself in Freddie's mom's shoes...she lost the one thing most important to her. Or, if I'm in Jacob's shoes: his cousin moves in with him, and he can't seem to make him happy, causing him to run to a man he once _hated_. And then Carly's shoes: she wants her best friends back, and not just a replacement Sam.

_"Sam?" Carly whispered from her side of the bed one night. Occasionally she talked Sam into just sharing the bed with her, because when Sam was tired she was way more likely to spill her guts. _

_Sam rolled her eyes and sat up, propping herself up on Carly's giraffe. "You're hurting Mr. Cuddles!" she shouted, interrupting Sam's, "What, cupcake?" and invoking a wide eyed stare from Sam when Carly shoved her and whipped 'Mr. Cuddles' out from under her elbow._

_Then, they were laughing hysterically. "Mr. Cuddles!" Sam choked out every once in a while, which would just start it over again. Occasionally Carly would repeat her panicked scream, and they would laugh again. They laughed for a long time. _

_Outside the door, Spencer listened silently. When he realized they were laughing, he smiled- because it was rare to hear Carly and Sam laughing _this_ hard anymore. He was about to walk away when he heard it dying down, but then he heard Sam's quiet whisper, "What were you going to say, anyways?"_

_Checking around as if there were someone in his own house to see his wrongdoing, he pressed his ear to the door to listen into their conversation. There was no answer for a while, but then Carly mumbled back, "Sam, I'm sorry I'm not a good friend...I know I don't help you as much as I should..."_

_Spencer wanted to run in there to comfort her, and he wanted to be her protective older brother, but he knew he didn't need to. Even if Sam wasn't acting herself lately, he expected her response: "Carls, you're my best friend. That alone is enough, but besides that you take care of me and you let me eat all your food, and you buy me bacon, beef jerky and ham. I think you've done enough."_

_"Aww. Who needs a hug?" Carly's too innocent voice cooed, and then there was a loud, "Hey!" followed by pillow meeting skin, followed by an, "Ow!" from Carly, and then the laughing started again as Spencer smiled to himself and walked downstairs._

"Are you ready, Sam?" Carly asked me finally, daring to break the awkward silence of the car. I stared at her for a long time, breathing deeply every few minutes- but this is what I wanted. I wanted Freddie. I wanted to talk to him, see him, and smile at him. I wanted it all.

"He said anytime today...I hope it's not a bad time right now," Ms. Benson fretted in the backseat. She had been on edge ever since speaking to her ex husband and hearing of what a horrible condition Freddie had been in when he had arrived and when he had left. Of course, all she told us when we had asked about it was, "He just said it wasn't pretty."

Thank God I listened in on the conversation she had with him! My life would be so boring if I wasn't still a bit of a delinquent.

"Come on, Sam!" Carly sighed, kicking the car a bit. Ms. Benson leaped up, ready to start lecturing about how it is dangerous to kick cars (Rule Number 14: Never kick a car. If a huge gust of wind is already heading that way, you could topple it over!)

I stopped the car quickly for her sake and leapt out, pulling her along with me as Jake and Ms. Benson dived out and followed us.

His apartment was on the bottom floor- that was how we had been so close to it. It had a screen door before his main door, and the main door hung open with the locked screen door the only thing between us. I could see his dark figure in the corner of his room, listening to the radio.

_Freddie sat on the Shay's couch, watching a Wake Up Spencer segment as he waited for Carly and Spencer to return from grocery shopping. In the video Spencer had just twitched, and Sam whispered in his ear- loud enough that the camera would catch it- "You better stay still, Freddie. I hear Spencer can sense a nerd's motions."_

_Sam, behind the couch, waiting to scare the living hell out of him, expected him to make that 'Tsk!' noise. She expected him to roll his eyes- she was so close behind him that she could see his face reflected in the television screen. She expected him to maybe even click onto a segment of his beloved Carly instead._

_Surprisingly enough, he smiled when the camera turned to her, and then laughed as Sam nodded, smirking. Sam was fully prepared to launch at him and scream and shout now, while he was bizarrely content with her- but then her phone rang, of course._

_**If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never find another...**_

_"Whoa, Sam!" Freddie shouted as Sam clicked her phone off immediately. What would she say later when Carly asked why she had hung up on her? 'I wanted to talk to Freddie?' She didn't worry about that then, though._

_"You like that song?" Freddie asked, sniggering a bit. It _was_ pretty strange, Sam would admit, for her- the tough girl, the mean girl- to be listening to such a mellow song. _

_She didn't pause to explain anything, she just snapped, "No, I hate it!" And that night she spent hours thinking about the song, thinking about the lyrics, and wondering why she had been so embarrassed that those lyrics had been played for Freddie to hear._

Ironically enough, I could hear Colbie Callait's mellow voice coming out as she sang along to Realize- of course, now it was probably being played as an 'older hit.'

I stared at Freddie for a long time. More than anything, I wanted to break down the door, run to him, and hold onto him. I wanted to be with him, and feel him, and touch him, and listen to him, and smile at him, and I wanted to tell him how much I cared about.

But I had to act mature. The shell of Sam commanded me to do the things I once never would have. I needed to grow up...I _already had_ grown up. It would be useless to backtrack all of these years and pretend that I was the same girl Freddie had known. I changed. He changed me. Carly changed me.

I have a theory that even people you meet for just a second change you. Come on, Gibby changed me. Jake changed me. Jason changed me, and Jacob's mother changed me, and that girl Samantha changed me. They've all shaped me up to be the person I am today, no matter how pitiful or how great of a person that is- though I would point to the first. But nobody, I repeat, _nobody_ has changed me the way Freddie has.

"Freddie?" Carly called softly to his figure, and I winced and made a strange noise, as if she had been teasing me. She might as well have been dangling beef jerky in my face and then pulling it away.

Only this time, the beef jerky was getting up and heading towards the door. Or, well, you know what I mean.

"Wow. Sam Puckett," Freddie said when he opened the door, and he didn't say it the slow, joking way most people did when seeing an old friend. He said it in a whisper/gasp/sound of shock. He looked me up and down in a non disturbing way- he looked afraid. He looked scared. I turned to Carly, raising one eyebrow, and she leaned in and whispered to me, "You look really different, Sam."

Did I? I could see myself in the mirror behind Freddie. I had such pale skin now, and I was wearing sweats and a t shirt with my hair pulled back in a messy ponytail that revealed my weirdly narrow cheekbones. My eyes were...dark? My eyes were...locked tight again emotions. They were mirrors. They used to be...windows.

I looked back at Freddie, but this time I _really _looked at him. I looked at the polished black jeans and the dark blue t shirt. I looked at the attractively messy hair, and the tight lips, and the confused eyes. They were windows. Not windows that let me see very far into him, but I could see that he was confused.

He was better off than me, and that hurt me. It was the first step to the line of hurt. If he was doing okay right now...

I shuddered, and Jacob and Carly both put their hands on my shoulder, and then seemed to stare each other down. Carly didn't attempt to hide her hatred for Jacob now. She openly showed it, and now she nudged his hand painfully off my shoulder as he glared at her. I watched this all, but I didn't _really_ see it. I saw it play through Freddie's eyes. The confusion grew on his face as he watched the weird way Carly and Jacob watched me, like I was glass. As if...as if I were about to fall apart.

"You look great, Freddie," I murmured, and it was the honest truth. He looked great, while I looked like I had lived the past few years in heart ache. If my side was true...he probably _was_ great too.

"Oh, Freddie," Ms. Benson sobbed dryly behind me. I spun around, surprised at how I felt towards the woman I used to think belonged in a straitjacket. In these past few minutes, it hadn't appealed to me that she was in immense pain. But now, it was so real.

Freddie went to her immediately, his eyes aching for his mother and her eyes aching for her son in a deep family bond that I would _never_ understand. If anyone asked _me_, my family was Spencer and Carly.

He broke apart with her quickly though, leaving his mother a sniffling mess as Jacob, Carly and I watched her timidly. And they thought _I _was glass? She was cracking already, fully prepared to just completely break apart. She was hurt, in pain, her heart was breaking...and they all turned back to me like I was about to stagger to my knees like I had been shot.

"Hey Freddie," Jacob attempted a grin and happy conversation, and he and Freddie did some sort of handshake. It almost made me laugh when Freddie's attempt at it basically fell flat. _Almost_.

"Hi Freddie," Carly said in her innocent voice, but she just put her hand back on my shoulder, and the force behind it was shocking. She was keeping me standing up straight, as if I had been teetering forward. I was _fine_. I wanted to scream it out. I was fine.

"Hey Carly," Freddie's voice melted me. It was clear, calm. It wasn't excited, and it wasn't sad. It was neutral, and a bit struggled. It was polite, and yet it was curt. It was...his voice. His _real_ voice. It wasn't a crackle over the phone, and it wasn't my name whispered. It was his voice, and I tried to take a step towards him and found I couldn't move. I just stood there, with a look of what I can only describe as horror on my face.

Freddie turned back to me. "Are you okay Sam?" he asked, but before he even finished saying my name, another figure walked into the doorway.

She was wearing a short pink skirt and a long sleeved pink shirt- an outfit that Carly had, if I remember correctly. She had long platinum blonde hair that hung to her waist, and bright blue eyes- they were a little bit like my eyes, actually. She was tall, and was wearing high heels that made me feel like a midget.

At least, I would feel like a midget if I could feel anything but sudden and total dejection.

"Freddie? Who are _they_?" her soft, melodic voice floated, and Carly stepped to my side at the same time Jacob did, holding me up.

Author's Note: Ugh, I hated to do that, but it had to be done. Don't worry though! Put the pitchforks away! There are still a couple more chapters left. I greatly appreciate the reviewers I've had, and I greatly appreciate the fact that you even _read_ this chapter! :D I'm still thinking about turning these chapters into songfics afterwards, by the way, but I'm just not _sure_. xD Thanks again, everyone, and don't worry! I'll get the next chapter up soon, and this time I actually MEAN soon haha.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Ha, kidding, but that always cracks me up when I see it on disclaimers. Okay, I don't own iCarly or any of the other characters on it, but I own Jason, Jacob and Isabel.

"Oh." Freddie said simply when he saw the girl, and all I said was, "Oh man," when I felt bile rising out of my throat. He turned to me expectantly, probably thinking I had some sort of snappy insult about her outfit, but there I was, reeling in my spot instead. I made it look as casual as possible by heaving a loud cough when I was crouched down, as if that were typical.

Jacob and Carly watched me sympathetically, and then Freddie's mom wailed, "Oh, Samantha!" and I winced at the awful name. Jacob and Carly exchanged a glance and said, "Oh my god," as they shook their heads at the way things were unfolding.

"Guys, this is...Isabel," Freddie said, gesturing the girl who was standing, blushing, in the open doorway still. It was incredible to see how calmly he spoke, while my entire group was panicking. Anyways, she- _Isabel_- leaped forward, reaching her hand straight out to me with a giant grin on her face that was so innocent I couldn't hate it, no matter how much I wanted to.

"You're Sam Puckett! Freddie has a picture of you on his desk. You used to do iCarly with him, right? You were his best friend," she mused in such a fast voice I was still processing the _Freddie has a picture of you on his desk_. Or maybe I just _wanted_ to take my time processing that tidbit.

Before I could answer, she took the hand I hadn't managed to hold out yet and shook it vigorously with both of her's, her face bright red. "I'm Freddie's girlfriend- you can call me Is, Isabel is so proper," the way she said it was so...reminiscent of me, but in such a kinder tone. When I told people I preferred Sam, it was either a smack upside the head, or with some sort of snappy insult.

Or at least, it used to be.

_"Are you Samantha?" a teacher called out to Sam in her new junior class, raising his eyebrows a bit. _

_Sam looked up at him very slowly. Back in the day, it would've been deliberate. She would've done it slowly to show him that she _hated_ the name Samantha, and there would've been a glare in her eyes._

_Or maybe she would've said, "What's it to you, fatso?" or "I am the last kid left in the room, lame brain." _

_But the new Sam told herself, 'This is a professor, Samantha.' And that is what Sam called herself when she was disciplining herself: Samantha. It seemed to make more sense, since that was what Carly called her when she was reprimanding her, and Carly was the only one who ever reprimanded her- without getting punched in the face, at least._

_So when Sam stared at her teacher, who would go on to kick her out of his class for 'just not getting it' when she didn't go for a week- Sam in an advanced world geography class wasn't meant to be, even if she was upset!- she told him, "Yes, I'm Samantha."_

"Hey, Is," I said quietly, because that was all I could think to say. Her eyes roved over everyone else around us- Jacob, Ms. Benson, Carly- but she didn't seem to recognize them. How _bizarre_! Did she not look at any pictures besides me, or was she just more concerned with a picture that was probably hidden behind his Carly shrine?

The thought of a Carly shrine made me laugh when I was a kid, and supplied good jokes back then, but now it just made me sick. I had not prepared to feel the old jealousy I had felt all those years ago, watching Carly and Freddie interact. For some reason, that jealousy was the _last _thing on my mind.

"Come on in, guys," Freddie ushered Isabel inside as he grabbed onto my elbow, pulling me into the kitchen along with Carly. He gestured for his mother and Jacob to go ahead, and Carly and I exchanged a glance reminiscent of two children about to face up to coloring on the walls or something.

"I need to know...why you guys are here..._how_ you guys got here!" Freddie said, but he said it all with a grin as he looked at me, expecting some sort of crazy story more than likely. All he knew was the old Sam.

Carly knew the new Sam, and she put her arm around my shoulder protectively as I looked up at her expectantly. Freddie watched this with confusion- it was never Carly comforting me, it was always me comforting Carly after a new break up, or an embarrassment, or a guy who didn't ask her out, or a guy she didn't like that asked her out, and occasionally it was something that had me crying along with her like when Spencer had to go to the hospital for invention gone wrong. But even then I comforted her the whole time. It was never the other way around.

Until he left, of course. I never needed real comfort before then. I had all I needed- I was like the dog Freddie and I had found. Even if Freddie was telling me my butt was shaped like a ham, he was talking to me. I must be some sort of masochist, though, because I enjoyed every minute of it.

"Can I talk to Sam for a moment? Just uhm...plug your ears!" Carly commanded in her freshly domineering voice. She had gotten very demanding lately- she was always a commanding person, but now she was a bit like a dictator. But, of course, I didn't mind. She never bossed _me_ around. Even dictators draw their limits.

Freddie obediently plugged his ears, grinning. He was probably glad we were acting more normal- at least what he considered to be normal for us. He thought we were being quirky, funny. We both didn't want him to go to his girlfriend, though, and we both wanted to talk...it was more conventional than quirky.

"Sam, you have to tell him right now!" Carly whisper-screamed at me. Even if Freddie had plugged his ears, Isabel or Ms. Benson or Jacob could be listening in right now.

"I can't Carly! You saw Isabel!" I murmured desperately, glancing over at Freddie, who was watching this with confusion. But, still the obedient boy I knew, he kept his hands firmly over his ears.

Carly rolled her eyes, gesturing towards the kitchen at where we both know the girl would be talking to Ms. Benson and Jacob warmly as could be. "Did you see what she was wearing? That is way too much pink! Besides, she's such a stalker! She knows your full name! And come on, Sam, you deserve happiness more than her!" Carly pleaded with me as quietly as she could keep her ranting down, and I shook my head and turned away.

I traced the squares on his apartment counter; amazed he had an apartment at all. I wondered how he got it when he was so young, what he had to do for it...but that was useless thinking right now. When I left here, I would think about it over and over and over again. I would have the rest of my life to think about it, because it didn't seem likely that I would be telling him anytime soon what I thought about him.

"Carly, I couldn't do that to someone. Put that much...hurt on a person. Affect her like that. Isabel seems nice," the way I stumbled over my words was pathetic, but Carly didn't sympathize with me now, and she definitely couldn't empathize with Isabel.

"Sam, don't take this wrong, but I could give a flying fladoodle about Isabel!" Carly almost shouted, throwing her arms into the air dramatically as Freddie watched me turn around to face her with giant eyes- we mirrored each other's expressions. I wondered what his face would look if he could _hear_ this conversation, too.

"She's some random girl who is causing my best friend's heart to crumble and break, and frankly, I'm sick of this. I was fully ready to come and drag Freddie to you myself, if I had been forced to spend a few more days with the new Sam. The old Sam would've seen Isabel at the door, rolled her eyes and snapped, 'Who's the chick?' She would've threatened Isabel's life, and she would've told Freddie. You need to tell him! Sam, I'm scared! I'm scared_ for _you!" the way her voice choked off and the desperate way she looked at me brought on the tears.

Freddie started to uncover his ears, but I held up my finger to signal a moment, trying to wipe my eyes. _Tears!_ Sam Puckett never cried! I missed that about her most. I was so emotional! It wasn't like I was pregnant; I was a teenager with everything she'd ever wanted at her fingertips, and I was afraid to close my palm and take a chance with it.

"Carly, I'm sorry. I know...and you can't possibly imagine how much _I_ hate the new Sam. I want to throw open doors and yell at random people. I want to slap our tech weenie in the face with a slice of ham!" the familiar way my lips formed these words made me smile through the tears, but I could not keep grinning as I whispered, "I couldn't put Isabel through what I went through."

Before Freddie uncovered his ears, Carly mumbled, "She _wouldn't_ go through what you're going through, because there is no possible way for her to care about him the same way you do." And then Freddie was in front of me, his hands no longer at his ears, but at a tissue that he held out to me.

I felt my hopes sink, but what had I been expecting? Okay, I'll be honest (a trait of the new Sam's only): I had been expecting him to run to me and wipe my tears off with his thumb the way I had seen people on television, and the way guys comforted Carly. But his girlfriend was in the next room over- I shouldn't have been expecting a romance scene.

"Are you okay Sam? What's happening? I'm so confused!" he blurted all of his words out quickly, and I exchanged a look with Carly.

"In time, Freddie, in time," I joked as best as I could, but it wasn't a real joke. It was the closest step I had taken since being around Freddie, yes, but that was it. My voice was boring and dull, and I could tell that when Carly grinned it was for no reason but to encourage me. "Can we...can we stay here until we're all ready to talk? Unless Isabel is staying here of course...then we'll just go get a hotel..." my lips said the words for my brain, since it couldn't even wrap itself around the possibility that he and Isabel were that serious. It would rip my hopes to shreds.

Freddie shook his head quickly. "We're not that close, it's a pretty new thing- only a week long. She's not staying here, of course. This place is in...My dad's name," he made a slight face, and I remembered that he didn't use to care for his dad much at all.

And just like that, I went from longing to see Freddie, to staying in the same house as him- and still not being able to say anything at all.

Author's Note: Oh God, I must seem like such a liar. I'm sorry to always leave you guys hanging and not updating for forever, but I'm always so busy! I'll try to get up chapter ten as soon as possible, okay? Thanks to all the fans that kept reviewing and adding this story to favorites, alerts, etc. I truly do appreciate it. I'm not really sure how long this story is going to be, but I promise you that I will attempt (notice I'm not promising to just get it done; I don't want to break a promise again haha) to get the next chapter up soon!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the characters on it, but I do own Isabel and Jacob.

_"Hey Sam?" Freddie asked curiously as they walked out into the pouring rain, waiting for both Sam's mom to pick them up (they later found out she had fallen asleep and never come) and for Carly to meet up with them (she exactly got detention on purpose to spend the time with Jake). _

_"What, Fredloser?" Sam said calmly and smugly all at once. Freddie glared at her for a second, but the look on his face didn't last long._

_"Does Carly like me?"_

_"No."_

_"Well, I mean, not even like a little, at all-,"_

_"No."_

_"Sam!"_

_"She doesn't like you at all Fredward! I'm sorry!" Sam cried out angrily, and Freddie turned and stared at her with shock. When was the last time she had actually said _sorry_? _

_Freddie hesitated, and then quietly muttered, "So, you're sorry? You're genuinely, really sorry? You..." he smirked, "Do you wish Carly did like me?"_

_"No!" Sam screamed at him, her hair plastered to her face as she strode away from him._

_That day, both of them walked home alone and in the pouring rain._

"Sam," a voice whispered quietly on the other side of the guest room Carly and I were sharing. Ms. Benson was sleeping in Freddie's room, and he and Jacob were sleeping in the living room.

_Freddie!_ My thoughts leapt happily as I scrambled to the door, almost knocking Carly right off the side of the bed she had gotten. I wanted to brush my hair or something, but I knew it didn't matter. Looks never seemed to matter to Freddie, for some reason. I guess he was just...good like that. A genuinely good person.

I flung the door open, and then sighed as I saw that it wasn't Freddie, the boy I loved, standing right there in the doorway, but Jacob. I sadly trudged out of the room and closed the door behind me as he lead me into the living room.

Freddie slept heavily, snoring as I stepped over him and to the couch. I desperately wanted to just collapse next to him. I wanted to touch him, to be with him, to smell and feel and talk to and listen to and overall love. But just looking at Freddie's sleeping form made me nervous. I wasn't used to him anymore. The old Sam would've been used to him already but now...the new Sam was shy. That was the unfortunate truth.

"He's only been dating Is for a week. I asked him that already," Jacob jumped right into the conversation, and I nodded slowly.

"They're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Just dating. She was over here because she brought him over some leftovers from her parents' dinner. They've been friends for a while. She...she..." Jacob drifted off, biting his lip. I wanted to hit him, or force it out of him, but I bit my lip to force that side of me down. "She reminds him of you, he said. She reminds him of the way you used to act."

That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I did not want Freddie to like some girl who was like the old me. I wasn't the old me anymore!

And I hated that, more than anything. I hated the chronic struggles for power that were being waged in my head. I wanted either the old Sam, or the new Sam. There was no healthy balance between the two- there was only emptiness.

"Well, that's too damn bad for me, isn't it?" I snapped, and Jacob winced. I could still be mean when I wanted too- the problem was that I rarely ever wanted to anymore.

"Sam, I think the current you is...perfe-," "Shut up," I commanded him before he could continue. He went on normally, then, saying, "Just fine," instead. "But," I hated buts. (Ha) "Freddie is confused. He won't tell me anything else but that Isabel stuff because he wants to tell you, but he's not going to tell you anything until you tell him everything. Starting with why you didn't want him to be with Carly, all that time ago, before he moved. He doesn't want to talk about the move, either. He said it was a mistake to go, but he said you wanted him too...then he wouldn't talk to me after that."

I stared at him, feeling like I was about to cry, but no wetness touched my face. Years of practice made it so easy not to cry anymore. Years of practice made it easy to hide my emotions. So I stared, shrugging. Even though inside I was screaming, "That was the last thing I wanted! That was the one thing I did not want out of everything else that could happen in the world!"

But what would I be able to tell Jacob? He wouldn't understand, anyways. So I just stood up, mumbled, "I'll talk to him, okay? I don't want to hear about it," shot one more look at Freddie's peaceful, slow breaths and the way his chest rose with each one, and then walked back to my room.

_"I think sleeping is the only time you can be happy," Freddie told Carly one day, sitting next to her at the counter as Sam went through the fridgerator, searching for scraps of ham or some other meat form._

_Nobody noticed the way she froze up. People rarely noticed oddities in Sam, because she was so naturally odd. She was so naturally _random_. It was hard to know when she was messing around, or when she was serious, so when she did something like get suddenly deathly still even though ham was right in front of her, nobody questioned._

_"No way," Carly rolled her eyes and started clicking onto the iCarly comments. "Hey look, this guy thinks your hot, Sam," Carly called, and didn't really care when Sam didn't respond. She didn't truly expect her to._

_"Is he on medication?" Freddie mumbled, and was shocked when Sam didn't throw anything at him. That was one of the many things Sam noticed about Freddie. He contradicted her thoughts about nobody noticing when she did something weird- Freddie always seemed to notice._

_"What, Sam, hypnotized by ham?" "Oh, don't provoke her Freddie. Remember your last atomic wedgie?" Carly said quickly after Freddie spoke, but for once he ignored her, and walked over to Sam._

_"Why do you think somebody would be happy when they're asleep, only?" Sam asked him, standing up to her full height. With her new heeled high tops she towered over him easily. He stared at her as squarely as possible, but his eyes betrayed the fear she could strike into even hardened criminals._

_"Because, well, when you're asleep, nothing bad is happening to you, I mean, you're asleep, dreaming, and..."_

_"What if you're having a nightmare? If you're living a nightmare, you'll be having them too," Sam said quietly, and Freddie raised his eyebrows._

_Before he had a chance to spoke, Sam called to Carly, "I'm out. Gotta go check out the new bacon straps at Build-A-Bra,"_

_"Ooh, I'm coming!" Carly called, tossing the cup she had into the sink and running after Sam, leaving Freddie standing alone in the kitchen, utterly confused._

"Sam?" Freddie's voice called in the morning. I recognized it easily, especially since it was clear. Completely clear and loud and perfect.

Carly wasn't in the room, and I vaguely remembered her waking me up to tell me she was going to go outside and call Spencer and Jake, and told me that the latter might take her a while. I vaguely remembered saying something like the old Sam would've- "Bring me back some bacon!"- And I vaguely remembered how happy she got when I said that.

"Sam, I've got bacon cooking," Freddie said, and maybe it was the smell of bacon in the house, or maybe it was Freddie's voice, but I jumped out of bed, opened the door and smiled at him.

"Bacon? Whoa, be out there in a minute," but before I closed the door I turned slowly around, and with one question the old Sam disappeared. My timid voice wrapped around the words, "Is...uhm, Is, here?" I asked, and Freddie raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

I closed the door before he could continue talking.

"Hey, Jake," I called to Jacob when I walked in, and he grinned at me, standing up to pull out my chair. It was hard to look at him, when he was being so nice. If I didn't love Freddie as much as I did, I probably would've ended up dating him. And that wouldn't have been so bad. Jacob is a great guy.

Only he wasn't the guy for me, and he knew that, and yet he was still nice to me, all the time. I smiled at him, said thanks, and got in my chair. He pushed it back in for me before he climbed back into his chair.

Freddie glanced at me with questioning eyes, but looked away when I looked at him. "Is Carly back yet?" I asked curiously, and he spun back around.

"Carly left?" he asked, and I was shocked. Back in the day, Freddie would've known exactly where Carly was. Then again...he didn't like Carly anymore. He liked Isabel.

"She said she was gonna go outside to talk to Spencer and Jake," I said, and Freddie nodded. I was surprised how calm his voice was when he asked, "She's dating Jake now, right?"

It would take a while to get used to this Freddie, the Freddie that wasn't obsessed with my best friend. Then again, it was a relief. If he still liked her...it would've crushed me completely.

Carly came in a little back after breakfast was finished, but didn't have much of an appetite. "I miss Jake," she sighed, passing me her bacon.

"Sorry. Did you tell him I said hi?" I asked, and she nodded. "He told you not to eat anything poisonous."

I had to laugh at that. Jake tried desperately to treat me like I used to be treated, and I appreciated that. "Good old Jake," I said, and Freddie twitched slightly in front of me.

When I finished, he stopped eating immediately. It was no surprise to him that I finished first, but it was a surprise to Carly. "Wow, Sam, I haven't seen you eat that fast since," she stared up at Freddie and shifted the conversation immediately. "In like, two years." Nobody missed the time frame she was going by.

"Sam," Freddie said though, trying to continue on. "I need to...uh...would you talk to me? Alone, I mean," he stumbled over his words, and I stared up at him, wide eyed.

"Yes," I said, of course, and stood up and followed him out.

I turned back just before I walked out the door she was holding open for, and saw a mixture of emotions everywhere. Mrs. Benson looked happy, smiling and nodding. She didn't really care about anything lately, I noticed, but Freddie. Of course, that's all she ever cared about, but now she just seemed to ignore the world. She focused on her son.

Jacob's eyes brimmed with sadness that made me wince, but he was whispering, "Good luck!" with a forced smile. Carly was bursting with exuberance, practically hopping in her seat. "Don't do it! Don't chicken out!" she whispered, and I nodded once, and then walked out of the door, butterflies pounding so fast in my stomach I felt sick.

Author's Note: I know...this really isn't _soon_ is it? Haha, I'm sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry. Please know that I don't just abandon this website. I read tons of people's fics and work on this during my downtime, but I never have enough downtime to _finish_. I've been super busy all of this week even though I've had vacation, and before that I've had school, constant projects, friends, family, and I've been really busy helping my uncle move to L.A., and he lives downtown right now, so it's been a ton of back and forth trips (I live the farthest possible place away from downtown that is still in town). I'll stop making more excuses. 'cause I know you guys don't care. xD Sorry, sorry! Anyways, next chapter is basically the chapter we've all been waiting for. Will Sam tell Freddie? Even I'm not sure yet. :D I'll TRY to force myself to do it sooner, but I hate breaking promises, so I'm not going to promise haha. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers, and I hope you liked this chapter!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of its characters, but I do own Jacob and Isabel.

_Freddie crept slowly into the Shay's apartment at the distinct sound of Sam's sniffling. He had only heard her cry once before, when she found out that all the grocery stores in town had run out of ham after a big problem in the shipment. However, even if it was only once, he remembered it still, and believed he would remember it forever. Sam's cry was the most pained cry he had ever heard, and- unfortunately- it was burned into his memory._

_He had heard that same cry, but as he walked into the apartment and his eyes connected with Sam's, she showed no signs that she had been crying besides a tissue next to her, which she balled up into her fist and shoved into her back pocket._

_"'Sup Fredward? Breaking into your one true love's house at night now? Don't you think you're getting a little stalkerish?" she asked casually, looking away and staring at the television as if there was anything on._

_"Oh, shut up Sam. You know we're doing Wake Up Spencer tonight," he said, but she merely shrugged. Instead of insulting him, she shrugged, which scared him more than she could ever imagine. He hated the thought of Sam upset. He hated the thought of anything but a smirk on her face._

_He hadn't realized how much he cared for her yet, but it was in the back of his head, negotiating his actions away from insults. He sat next to her as gently as possible, afraid of her in a different way for once. "Sam? I thought...I thought I heard you crying," he drifted off, shrugging like she just had for lack of something to say._

_"Well, you must've heard wrong Fredward. I don't cry."_

_"But I could've sworn I heard-,"_

_"I don't cry Freddie!" Sam cried out, folding her arms fiercely as she looked at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact at all cost._

_"Okay," Freddie said quietly. "Do you want to just...skip Wake Up Spencer tonight? Do it tomorrow?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Sam?" he called as he was on the threshold- and he felt like that could be in more than just a literal way._

_She grunted to show she was listening, so he continued._

_"You can always talk to me. You know that, right?"_

_"I know Freddie."_

"Sam, what's wrong? You can always talk to me. You know that, right?" Freddie asked, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry, because I remembered when he said that to me, only a few weeks before he left. I remembered everything clearly: the next day he went to Spencer and that night we woke Spencer up and he said something about, "Freddie asked me about," which made Freddie end the whole show. I remembered that I had spent that entire day with Carly until she fell asleep, and she had asked me what I thought about Freddie, and I had asked her if she liked Jake, and I tried to change her mind about how she thought Freddie was okay now, and I tried to make her like Jake more.

"I know Freddie," I said, which is the same thing I said all those years ago too. Two years ago. Two years and a few weeks ago.

"What's happening Sam? What's been happening? I'm so...why are you here? What happened two years ago? Why did you _want_ to come here? Why did you bring Carly and Jacob and _my mom_? Why'd you go visit my dad?"

"You ask a lot of questions," I said, because that was all I could think to say. I wasn't ready to answer _one specific question_.

But if I didn't answer any of his other questions, I knew I wouldn't make any progress. I thought about Carly in there, so worried about me, and I found out that my best friend still gave me the strength she always did- as if there was ever any reason to doubt her.

"I didn't want you to go out with Carly. I told Carly about that, and she broke things off. I...I...Jacob said you thought I wanted you to go, but I didn't Freddie. I mean, you were my best friend," skirting around the truth, again. I wasn't making Carly as proud as I wanted to be at that moment, but I kept on.

"I mean, I said don't go but I was so...shocked...it came out like _don't go_," I said it in a whisper, miming hoarseness as Freddie stared at me with confused, narrowed eyes. I tried not to focus on that, continuing still. I wasn't going to get anywhere if I didn't continue, right?

"And then like, I was doing _good _in school 'cause I stopped really...messing around, even though I still copied for a while, but then Carly was all, 'Sam, you've changed! You're not the old Sam!' and we had this little moment on the couch where it was like cue the 'aww,'" I blurted this all out, saying some things in quotations, mimicking Carly's voice, saying things in sarcastic tones. I didn't look at Freddie- I looked past him. I could see Carly watching in the window, and she was gesturing for me to talk to him, and I knew of course what she wanted me to tell him.

I held up a finger and Freddie turned around. We heard a crash inside and I winced, but he didn't move. He looked back to me, waiting for me to say something else. Waiting for me to explain why I was being such a freak.

"And then I just gave up. You know, it's stupid. I could've dated this one guy, Robert, who was actually really nice and all, but I didn't want to date anyone there, so I just gave up on that. I could've tried to keep up friendships, but the only one I really tried with was Carly and Spencer, so I just gave up there too obviously. I didn't care about the way I looked; I didn't even care about _ham_ on some days! Isn't that crazy? I don't know how I went on," I tried to be funny, but I was too afraid to look at Freddie to see if the joke was going well.

I had this fear that when I finally looked at him, he would be gone. I kept staring at his feet to remind myself that he was there. He wasn't leaving.

Yet. I still hadn't told him why it affected me so badly, had I?

"So when I got my driver's license I was like, 'Carly, we're looking for Freddie.' And she was all, 'No! Why should we? He hurt your feelings!' and I was like, 'Oh, calm down,' and then she was like, crying in the car on the way to Jacob's house- and I remembered him from you telling me about him- and then I had to talk to her, and then I talked to this girl Samantha and she told me where he lived, and he was like, 'Oh my god, you're Sam!' and then I found your _mom!_ And then I told them I wanted to go find you and Jacob was all, 'I'm coming!' and then your mom was all 'I'm coming!'"

"Did you know how much of a nutcase your mother is when we're on the road? I swear..." I drifted off, and I heard Freddie's faint chuckle. That one sound, his laughter, was the thing that pressed me to continue.

"And then, I saw Germy, and he was all..." I shuddered. "Germy! It was disgusting, but I talked to him and he basically proved I was completely out of it after you left, you know? He said I actually went to his going away party- and reminded me that I actually went on _a date with him_!" I had to look at Freddie's face for this, and his jaw dropped. His eyes were huge, and I nodded.

"Exactly! I mean, I didn't choose to, Carly set me up on it, but still! Crazy! And then I asked him if he had talked to you, and he said you asked about me, and I was all, 'Oh my god,' and then he said you moved to your dad's to be with some girl," "Broke up with her." Freddie interrupted me. It was the first time I had heard him in a while, I realized, besides the laugh.

"Why?"

"She didn't like the way I was always...thinking about other people," he said, and I nodded. I would've asked him more...but this was my story, not his.

"Sorry."

"No big. I didn't like her. Just wanted to get to my dad. Get away."

"Anyways, I was like, 'Oh...girl, dad, HE'S AT HIS DAD'S!' And I like...I used deductive reasoning-," "Wait a second!" Freddie said, and I stopped immediately. It still felt bizarre actually having a conversation with him.

"Deductive reasoning?"

"Told you I was doing good in school. Anyways, then I drove towards Belleview, and then Jacob was all, 'Here, you're tired, let's switch around,' and so I got out of the car and so did he and we were in the front of the car and he was all, 'You can't just keep going back' and blah blah and I was all, 'Uhh...' And then he _kissed _me!"

Freddie started to choke suddenly, and I reached out and pounded his chest with my fist, and he coughed loudly, holding up a hand to signal me to stop. I didn't want to, though. His back was warm, and I couldn't remember the last time I really felt his warmth, the last time I ever touched him before he left. It was so far away...

"I can't believe him! I'll kill him!" he cried out, and I raised an eyebrow.

"It's okay Freddie, 'cause you and Carly could probably do him in together. 'Cause you know, I was all 'What are you doing?' and he was all, 'Sam, chances are Freddie has a new girlfriend, chance are he's happy,' and then all of a sudden BAM!" Freddie jumped and I almost laughed, but I kept it down to just a smile. "Carly shoved him! And she was all, 'You can't just kiss her! You're taking advantage of her!' and then she was all, 'The old Sam would've kicked your ass!' It was great!"

Freddie didn't grin. Actually, he looked sort of sick.

"Do you want to sit down?" I asked, but he shook his head, so I just continued.

"And then me and Carly were telling stories together, and I felt just like my old self, and then I _punched _him!" Freddie smiled at me, and I kept on going, proud of myself. "In the stomach. But that's not important. Jacob's not important. We got back in the car, drove off, and then we were at your dad's house, and he came out talking to you and I was all, 'OH MY GOD!' and I just jumped out of the car and he looked like he was going to hit me and I was all, 'Ah!' but then he just grabbed me and was all, 'Samantha?' and I was all, 'I need to talk to Freddie!' and then...I talked to you. End of story. The end and blah blah. Here I am. Talking to you. Well, not end of story. Far from the end of the story. More like the beginning, 'cause I still have so much to tell you."

Freddie stared at me, his eyebrows raised. "So you...you got screwed up when I left, and you got your driver's license- congratulations. Happy late birthday," "Thanks!" I nodded, feeling more like the old Sam then I ever thought possible."

"Welcome. Anyways, you drove looking for me, and you drove to Jacob's first, and then you picked up my mom and Jacob, drove all the way over to my dad's, after punching my cousin when he _kissed _you, you thought my dad was going to hit you but then he actually knew you, and you about attacked him for the phone and now you're here."

"It sounded better when I said it, I think," I said, looking away.

"Well...I have...one more question."

"Well, shoot, Freddie!" I said. I felt on top of the world. I was talking to him. I had told him everything!

Almost everything.

"Sam, why? That's my only question. I mean...I need to know. Why? Why would you do all of this stuff just for me? Why?"

I felt the happiness sinking down, but it seemed easy now. It seemed...bearable. Here I was. There would be no other chances after this. I needed to tell him now.

"Well, Freddie...that's a tough one," I smiled a bit.

Author's Note: If you'll remember from my oneshot, Freddie admitted to Spencer that he liked Sam before he had left, so that's why Sam remembers him going to Spencer the next day, and why that night was so thick in both of their memories. Just clearing things up. :D Also, I know a lot of you are like, 'Why the entire story recap?' But I know I haven't updated fast between, so not only does it remind you guys of everything that happens, but I felt like I couldn't just write: And Sam explained everything that happened to Freddie. I had to get in Sam's thoughts on everything, what she was feeling, thinking, I had to get some of Freddie's reactions to certain things. I knew it wouldn't be as easy as Sam just explained everything. Sam's too upset to just explain everything like that. Okay, I'll try to get the next chapter up fast, too- aren't you all amazed that I got this one up so fast? Haha- and the next one _might_ be the last one, it might not. I'm not too sure. Anyways, sorry for the cliffhanger! Thanks to the readers and the reviewers! Hope you liked this one!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the other characters on it. I do, however, own Jacob and Isabel.

"Why is it so hard to say?" Freddie asked. I wanted to make it easy to say, and I wanted my words to come out now. I wanted to just say _Because I love you, you idiot! _But words never seem to come out that easy.

"Because...well, it's taken me all this time! Don't you get it? You used to be so smart...you must've gotten dumber as the years go on," I muttered, sighing and shaking my head.

Freddie rolled his eyes and backed up. "Look, Sam, I'm letting you stay in my house and I'm letting you sit here and insult me, and I'm letting you sit here and skirt around whatever you have to say, and I should just let you know you're really starting to-,"

I didn't let him finish. "Freddie, I love you! Don't you get it? Why I would go all this way for you? Why I wouldn't want you to go out with Carly? Don't you understand anything?"

Actually, it didn't come out like that. It actually came out like, "Ergh, love, Carly," and lots of mumbling in between.

Freddie stared at me, blinking slowly. "I don't get it. Someone loves Carly?"

"No!" I cried out, then laughed at that. Freddie didn't get the joke, so I tried to explain, "Ha, don't mean _nobody_ loves Carly, I mean like, that wasn't what I was trying to say," but his face stayed blank.

"Sam, I don't understand you. I mean, I want to...but I don't get this. What's going on? What's happening? Just tell me!"

_"Did you say good bye to Freddie?" Carly asked when she came back from the airport. Sam stared at her from Carly's couch- which wasn't an odd place for her to be, even if her best friend wasn't there while she was._

_"What do you mean? He moved."_

_"He moved today. I found out he was leaving and went and told him good bye." Carly seemed innocent enough as she sat next to Sam, smiling and smoothing down her skirt. Sam had just told her that she and Freddie got into another argument, and that he told her he was moving away. She hadn't given any details._

_"What did he say?"_

_"He didn't really want to talk to me. He looked around a lot. Asked if you or Spencer was coming. I said no. He just said, 'Oh. Well, bye Carly.' We hugged, that was it. He told me good luck with iCarly. I asked if he wanted me to tell you bye and he just said 'Sure.' You should call him and try to talk to him, I'm sure your argument wasn't that ba- Sam? Sam? I know you like him and all, but..."_

_She drifted off. Sam was _crying_. Actually crying, tears brimming. It was a muted cry, and it was a hidden cry, but she could tell. There was a drop of water on her face, and her cheeks were a splotchy red._

_"Sam? What's wrong? What happened?"_

_"Well, Carly, there's a lot more to the story then I told you. A lot, lot more. I didn't even know Freddie was leaving today. And...I wish I had known."_

_"Oh, Sam,"_

_And right then, Sam told Carly everything and that was what started most of the trouble._

A memory flooded to my mind- one that seemed a more poignant moment in my life than any other. It was clear- the day Freddie had moved. A day I had no idea about. A day Carly had, however.

"I want you to answer a few questions first," I said suddenly, and Freddie blinked, surprised. Maybe he was getting used to the new, non-confrontational Sam too.

"Why should I, I mean-,"

"Listen to me, Fredward," I said harshly, and Freddie blinked, shocked. "You left, and you screwed me up. Not the other way around. I come here and find you and your new girlfriend and your new life, and I just want to know a few things before I spill my biggest secret with you, okay?"

It was quiet for a long time, and I thought that Freddie might walk away, or tell me to get out, or say he hated me. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I felt like I didn't know Freddie anymore.

And still, he was just like I remembered. Wearing the same clothes, talking the same way. I even saw a ton of video junk in his bedroom when I was walking past. He had been talking about how he watched iCarly and said we had a good run, and I had overheard him telling Jacob some of his lame jokes. He was the same. It was me who was different.

Or maybe he _was_ different, but even if he was I couldn't tell. Maybe I was blinded by love or whatever, but I found that hard to believe. With the old Sam pulsing in my veins with my outburst, I felt like I knew what was happening. He was afraid. Of answering _my _questions. It wasn't the other way around anymore- this time, I was in power. Just like I had always been before.

"Shoot," he said finally, and I blinked.

"What?" I asked. That was a bizarre statement.

"I mean, go ahead. Ask me your questions. I'll answer them. All of them. Truthfully. Promise." There was a lot of incorrect grammar in that sentence- the new Sam could tell- but I didn't care. I was extremely pleased.

I missed the way the old Sam took charge of situations. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to be her anymore. Maybe, if Freddie returned my feelings, he would come back to Seattle. Maybe we would get along just like before, only not as friends, but as more than that. Maybe I would be the old Sam, and I would slouch and get bad grades, but I would make my friends laugh.

I had been making progress, hadn't I? I remembered me and Carly laughing as we knocked over the duck. I remembered us laughing about Nevel after Jacob had kissed me. I had been doing well, until I got here and saw Freddie. Then I regressed, worse than before. I was frightened.

But I could do it. I could take charge again, and hide away the hurt just like the old Sam could. If I wanted to, at least.

"Okay. I just have a few questions for you."

"Alright."

"First: Why did you leave Jacob's? _How_ could you? You left your mom and your cousin," _You left us_, I wanted to add, but this wasn't about me and Carly and Spencer right now. It was about Jacob and Ms. Benson, and why he would run from even them.

He looked down at his feet, shuffling them for a bit. "My mom was ashamed of me. I could tell. She thought I was being like a coward, since she had been planning on switching our whole lives around so we could stay in Seattle, but after...me and you fought, I wanted to leave. And Jacob was annoyed with me, too. So I left. To my dad's. I told everyone it was for my girlfriend I had at the time, but we weren't even really serious. She moved here, I moved here, we broke up. Well, actually, we just stopped seeing each other. And I just stayed at my dad's."

"Why'd you leave _his _house?"

"Because he had a girl there every night, and he talked bad about my mom a lot and he cared more about my business then me. Probably the same reasons he and mom got divorced."

I stayed quiet, letting these two answers weight in my head. Even before Jacob knew me, he was sort of looking out for me. Ms. Benson too. And Freddie ran away, and that's how he looked at it. He never cared much about his girlfriend, either. It was a lie.

"Well, then why'd you come here?"

"Because I wanted freedom."

"Why Isabel?"

"She reminded me of you, sort of, you know. She is a lot like you. Only...too nice. Too innocent. She acts like every time I get mad it's the end of the world. It's weird...I don't know how to explain it. But she's good company, since I'm always alone over here...was always alone, at least," he shrugged a bit.

I wasn't sure if he was saying he got with Isabel because she reminded him of me or if that was just a statement. But if that was the reason...I felt like I was flying for a moment.

"Why..." I sniffed a bit and Freddie and I made eye contact. It was terrifying, looking into those brown eyes as I spoke. But I did. I needed to get ready for the big secret.

"Why didn't you say good bye? Why did you leave? Why..." I drifted off, shaking my head. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at him. I had gotten it out, hadn't I? Wasn't that the most important part? Yet, somehow, I felt like Carly wouldn't be happy with that- and because of her, I forced my eyes opened and kept on staring at him.

"Because...I wasn't going to leave if I saw you Sam. I was mad at you, but not mad enough to hate you or anything. But I...I _thought_ you hated me. I thought you'd be happier if I just left, and I thought I would mess with you if I asked you to come say good bye. So I left."

Our eye contact made me feel like tears were coming down, but I didn't blink and I didn't look away. I tried to break through the plainness of his eyes to see what he was really thinking- what was really going on in his mind. I focused, and I could see for a second the fear and the hurt, but then he blinked- _he_ blinked. I felt almost victorious- or at least I would have, if I wasn't crying, which I realized I had been doing a lot of lately. I realized that crying was getting me anywhere, but that didn't make me want to stop either.

"Sam, are you crying?" he asked, reaching forward, but I turned my head to the side. I couldn't _let_ him touch me, or I would completely melt. I could not take any risks. I was going to let loose my secret. If I let it out to him, it would be out, and I would be completely vulnerable. He could destroy me.

Only, I trusted him too much. Even if he let me down, I trusted him to do it carefully. But more than that, I was starting to trust myself. The old Sam wouldn't let me down- she never let anybody down but herself, and she wasn't going to let that happen again.

"Freddie, I have something to tell you. Your answer. It's...well...Freddie...I didn't want you to go out with Carly because I liked you. When Carly and I talked she realized it and...she broke things off, and when you got mad at me I felt like crying, and I couldn't just run after you and...let you see what you did to me. I couldn't let anyone see that, and so I didn't run after you to tell you not to go even though that's what I wanted to do. And then you left and I was just...empty. I was sad, and I sat there, and I had nightmares, and I didn't laugh or joke around. I spent time with Carly, but it wasn't the same."

Freddie's face was contorted in shock, fear, horror. I didn't want to make it out too much. I focused on his eyes, letting his emotions press me on. I could see Carly in the window again, and Jacob next to her, and they could just tell. I wasn't sure how- probably the look on my face- but they knew what I was saying. Fear pierced Carly's eyes as she and Jacob silently encouraged me.

"I wanted to go find you, so I went looking for you. I told Jacob and Ms. Benson and they came, and then I came here because I wanted to tell you that I cared about you- my late way of saying 'don't go' I guess- but then I saw Isabel and I was too afraid to tell you, and that's why Carly and I were freaking out in the kitchen. She told me to tell you and get rid of Is, but I couldn't do that. I didn't want to do to her what I...what I let happen to myself. And so I didn't say anything, but now I'm saying it because otherwise I'm going nowhere in my life...so...there. It's out."

I closed my eyes, and when I reopened them Freddie was just staring at me, his jaw dropped and his eyes huge.

"Freddie?" a voice called behind me, and I closed my eyes again, shaking my head. "No way," I whispered, and turned around to see Isabel.

And I couldn't hate her, no matter how much I wanted too. She ran up to me and hugged me- "Sam, I'm so glad you're here!"- and my anger at her melted. She was so genuinely happy to see me.

"You're really gonna help Freddie, I think. He was real upset about leaving you and Carly," she whispered in my ear. "I was afraid you'd be gone by now- I'm so glad you're staying, even if for just a little bit. We should hang out," she said quickly, and I nodded.

"Freddie!" she said, and ran to him and flung her arms around him. "Let's go inside and talk," she said, and grabbed his hand.

"I'll talk to you later, Sam," Freddie said, and I didn't look at his face, so I didn't see what it looked like. I stared at the sky and wrapped my arms around myself, and realized that it was possible to feel both free and like the world is crashing down on you all at once.

Author's Note: Wow, that was hard to write. I don't really want to say much, because I'm afraid I might hint to the ending- so I hope you enjoyed this chapter (even though it is depressing). The next will be the last- I'm getting these out really fast haha! I already have the last chapter written, I just need to check it over, and I'll more than likely get it up tomorrow. Thanks to the readers and reviewers- you guys really do encourage me to continue on with this story. Thanks again! :D


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or any of the characters on it, but I do own Jacob and Isabel.

_"Hey, Freddie, right?" A short blonde girl asked the boy sitting next to her in her third grade class. She had just moved to the city with her mom after her parent's messy divorce, and even though she had moved from a small town she was warming up to the big city of Seattle, and was brave enough to talk to the boy next to her since she had just walked all the way to school by herself. When you've just accomplished one thing, you're eager to accomplish the next._

_"Yeah," the short brunette answered as he worked on his worksheet. He seemed polite enough._

_"Can I have your cookie?" she asked, pointing to the one next to him. They were from the cafeteria, and she had overheard him telling his friend Shane that he hated them, and had also heard her new friend Carly saying she loved them._

_"Oh, yeah, sure."_

_"My name's Sam."_

_"Nice to meet you, Sam," Freddie gave a small smile. She hardly knew him then, and she didn't think he would be a part of her life. She just thought he was a nice kid who gave her what she wanted, and she thought she was being brave for talking to a stranger. But she would only get braver, and she would only get closer with him._

Carly ran out of the house as soon as Freddie and Isabel went to his room- I saw them turn into the hallway, and I was pretty sure that was the only place they would go. I wondered what they would do in there- but just thinking about it made me feel sick.

She ran and dropped to her knees, not caring that she was wearing tights and was probably ripping them up, and pulled me into a hug from where I had sat down on the grass. She held on tightly, blurring my vision as her hair whipped around my face in the wind, but I could still see Jacob coming out and crouching next to me, mumbling his sympathies. I could only imagine how awkward it was for him right then.

"Go ahead and cry, Sam. Nobody will blame you if you do. Sam, you need to get your emotions out- I'm so sorry. We were listening, because there's a vent right up there and-," I stopped listening, and just nodded. I didn't cry, though, and when I heard her tell me to again, I pulled away.

"Carls, I'm not gonna cry," I told her, and she looked at me weirdly. "Why would I cry? I can move on with my life now. Let's go pack. You want us to give you a ride back home Jake? What about Ms. Benson?"

I felt numb, and didn't really feel what I was feeling or understand what I saying. But I knew I got up and walked to Carly and my room, which was across from Freddie's closed door. Ms. Benson, knitting in the living room, gave me a sympathetic look. I half wondered if she was going to stay with Freddie and knit him ugly sweaters and give him tick baths, but I felt like if I spoke again I would puke.

Carly and Jacob followed me into the room, and I stared to fold my things up and set them into my bags. Carly didn't move, and I couldn't say anything, so I just flung one of her shirts at her and kicked her bag a bit.

The shirt whipped back at me, striking me in the face. "Sam, stop it! You're hiding! Stop! Stop packing up, stop doing this! Come on, let's just stay, let's see how things go!"

"Stop it! Carly, things aren't going anywhere. People aren't perfect, this isn't a fairytale. Let's just get back to Spence and Jake, you'll be with your boyfriend and you'll be happy, I'll move on, we'll all move on, life will go on." I shouted back at her, and I felt every single limb in my body quivering. I felt like I could feel every single hair on my body standing up in shame that I had screamed at her, and I watched helplessly as she burst into tears.

I couldn't comfort her. I _wouldn't_ comfort her. I was too busy trying not to break down, trying to be okay.

And yet, I still felt free. Free, but empty. I had revealed the last thing I was holding onto. I felt like I was naked, walking around with no shelter at all. Even if I was free, I was scared and empty and bare.

"Sam," a voice said at my door, and I collapsed onto the floor, almost crying as well. I felt surrounded by hurt and anger and frustration. There was Carly, crying. There was Ms. Benson, confused. There was Jacob, hurt that I was still rejecting him. Here I was- angry that I had let this happen to myself, frustrated with where I was stuck, confused at Freddie's reactions, hurt by just about everything, and still pretending I was okay.

And that was when I realized it. That the new Sam wasn't as empty as I thought. I thought that the new Sam had nothing in her, that she was a hollow of the old Sam, but it wasn't true. I don't know why I knew it then, but I did. I was carrying everything around about the old Sam, clinging to the way I used to be, but I had moved on. I wasn't the way I used to be. Time changed me, and people changed me, and life changed me. I was pretending to be something I wasn't.

That was when I realized I was wrong about something else, too. There _was_ a possibility of a healthy balance between the old Sam and the new Sam. There was a part of the old me I was willing to try to hold onto and there were parts of the new me I needed. I could still be dominant and powerful and brave, but I could also be vulnerable and cautious and scared. It was okay to have flaws. I didn't always have to be perfect. I could have the best of both worlds- the new Sam was constantly given comfort, and the old Sam was constantly given what she wanted because she was willing to get it. I could get both what I wanted and comfort. It was okay to be afraid.

That knowledge was the only thing that let me get up and go to the voice at the door. That was what forced me to go past crying Carly, who was being comforted by hurt Jacob, and towards Freddie, who was standing at my doorway staring at his mess of friends.

He held out his hand, but, as the new person I felt, the perfect mixture of myself, I didn't take it. As the old Sam, I wasn't willing to let myself get hurt that badly, but as the new Sam, I still stayed with him and followed him. It was perfect, only he didn't love me and he loved Isabel, which made me want to take his hand more than anything. I wanted to hold him, and force him to stay with me- but I couldn't. I knew that.

"Sam,"

"Where's Isabel? What happened to her? Me and her are supposed to hang out, or something," even though it was only a few minutes ago that I had talked to her, I couldn't exactly remember what she had said.

He led me outside, which seemed like an omen because a storm was coming in, from what it looked and felt like.

"Sam, I broke up with Isabel."

I felt every inch of my body freeze up besides my eyes, which widened to about five times their normal size.

A wonderful, wonderful omen of lightning shot through the air.

"You...you dumped her. Broke up with her, I mean."

"Yeah, sorry, but I don't think you'll be able to hang out with her," Freddie grinned at me, and I felt myself smiling too- genuinely- for the first time in a while. "She's got to be pretty mad at you. I told her that I couldn't keep pretending I didn't have feelings for you, and that that was what we were talking about."

He had feelings for me. He had feelings for me. He had feelings for me! I wanted to scream it out to the world. I wanted to tell Carly.

But I didn't have too. I saw her at the window, listening in, of course. I should've expected that. I would've done the same was it her out here.

"You mean..." I drifted off, staring up into Freddie's eyes, feeling not like the old Sam or the new Sam, but me. I felt incredibly like me at that moment, with the thunder catching up. I was like the lightning, I realized. Always ahead of myself, never letting my thunder catch up.

"Sam, I want to give this a shot. I want to give you and me a shot."

As the new me, I felt brave enough to reach up and kiss him.

_"Hey iCarly fans, boy have we got a treat for you today!" Carly screamed out, and Freddie jumped into the screen._

_"We're gonna slather Freddie with honey and feed him to the bears!" Sam cried out in a cheerful voice, and Freddie rolled his eyes and elbowed her. They locked eyes for a moment, smirking at each other before they continued._

_"We're going to _Japan_!" they screamed, and with one push of a button balloons surrounded them, and Freddie and Sam smiled at each other again, not arguing with intentions of hurting each other, but bantering on about the balloons- just like friends do._

"What are we doing here?" Carly whispered as she walked into the old iCarly studio.

"I dunno Carly. We must be..." I drifted off, and then we both stared into the camera Freddie was directing at us and screamed, "Doing a special reunion of iCarly!"

"No, we're not coming back for good- we've got too much on our plates now," I said sadly, pressing the _aww _button on my remote, and thinking about how amazing it was to be pushing a button on _my_ remote for _our_ show.

"But we've come back for one more episode- a _real_ good bye episode. Complete with my co-host and best friend in the entire world Sam, and her boyfriend and our second best friend, Freddie!"

Freddie jumped in front of the camera and I playfully elbowed him. "Hey, make room for the stars," I said, and Freddie rolled his eyes at me, and I felt like melting into him right now, even with millions of people watching- and I could see on the big screen behind us that we had set up specially to show our stats, they were.

"If I didn't like you so much, I'd hate you," he joked, but I just shrugged.

"Hey, I'm that kind of person. You either love me or hate me," I said, and I knew fully in my heart that I was that person now. I was that girl who got what she wanted because she tried to get it, and I was that girl who was willing to make herself just a little bit vulnerable, because you have to be vulnerable to take risks sometimes. I was that girl with the amazing best friend and the fantastic boyfriend, and the actually okay grades, who wanted to go to school and be a chef. I was me- finally.

"You can say that again," Carly joked, and then she turned to the camera and said, "Well, we need someone to monitor the camera so Freddie can be onscreen with us for the whole time today, so we've got our new friend, Jacob Benson- who happens to be Freddie's cousin and once kissed Sam for like two whole seconds- to do that!"

"The greatest two seconds ever," Jacob joked as he came onscreen, and I winced, but he shook his head. "Just kidding," he said, and added on, "Though I did care about Sam, I've got a new girlfriend here to help me with the technical jun-_stuff_," he said when Carly glared at him, "And here name is Isabel!"

And Isabel came on screen, and she looked at me in that innocent way. I was amazed at the way she was so okay with being around Freddie and me, and the way she and Jacob just clicked. She hugged me briefly, smiled at Freddie and high fived Carly before she and Jacob got behind the camera.

"HOLD ON, I'M COMING!" a voice from the elevator screamed, and me and Carly burst out into laughter- and I couldn't tell you how amazing it felt to be laughing that hard as I watched Spencer, the guy who was like a big brother to me, come running in, Ms. Benson behind him.

"I do not need to take a tick bath! Trust me, I'm tick free! I shaved my legs like you told me too, 'cause they hide in your leg hair and all- and now I'm okay!" he screamed, and we all laughed even harder- even Freddie, Jacob and Isabel.

"Spence, you shaved your legs?" I asked, and Spencer leaned into the camera. "It was terrible," he whispered.

Our official last ever iCarly episode went perfectly, and after it was finished I walked outside of the apartments, across the hall and into the apartment that was once again Freddie and his mom's, and when Freddie and I were there alone I wrapped my arms around him. I was not afraid to touch him now- he was more than just my boyfriend. He was my best friend again.

"Sam," he whispered, and I nodded into his chest to tell him to go on. "I'm really glad I came back," he said into my ear, and I lifted my head up as well.

"So am I, Freddie," I told him.

And that moment was perfect. It would've been the end to a fairy tale. Even though I knew more was coming- I knew there would be fights and trouble and fear and confusion and heart ache. But still, deep down, I knew that no matter where Freddie and I went, we would both take this memory with us, forever.

Author's Note: There it is, the end to the story that made me cry to write it out, since I've been imagining this in my mind over and over again. Right now, I really _have_ to give props to ColorsoftheSky101, because when I wrote "I wanted either the old Sam, or the new Sam. There was no healthy balance between the two- there was only emptiness." I was planning the moment in this chapter when I would have her realize that she wrong, and there was a healthy balance- I had it written out on paper and everything- and then she reviewed saying, "You know what? I think you'll make Sam wrong there - that's my theory. I don't think she'll ever be exactly the way she was, nor will she remain afraid and less of herself. I think she will grow from this experience - be her past and more, you know?" And I was totally shocked that she figured me out so easily. :D Just saying, that review amazed me. Thanks for it. :D Thanks to everyone else who read this story too, and thanks to all the reviewers out there, and thanks to everyone who encouraged me to continue this story and to everyone who gave me advice on this story. I hope everyone enjoyed it!


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